I had a tool in my hand ready to take action. I set it on the table and waited two minutes. Then another two and so on, and it just stayed there until that horrible, strong, and all too familiar urge became the constant dull ache that seems to be ever so present these days. I felt bad that I even went as far as to put this thing in my hand and then I felt bad that I didn’t SI. I know that sounds odd, but part of me misses it so much that I just want to see how it feels again. I mean I know how it feels, I guess I just wanted to revisit that feeling again even though I know it is unhealthy and not a good way to deal with things.
I am so overwhelmed and angry at myself lately. I need to get that out somehow. I don’t know how to talk about it with people – I don’t think I can. Who can I talk with? Perhaps that is the problem. Sometimes I think I want to SI so I can “accidentally” show someone and they can see that I am having all this emotional stuff going on, but what will that accomplish? Probably nothing other than me feeling awkward and guilty afterward.
I miss being nurtured, if that makes any sense. I didn’t get that growing up, and I don’t have it now to the degree that it feels like someone is just holding you and fully listening to you. That is what I crave right now.