I so need some kind of support tonight. Nothing is helping and I could just cry I feel so torn. I’m so triggered tonight to drink and use drugs. The most I’ve been in a long time-I’m SI frustrated that I can’t drink or use drugs that I want to SI. I don’t care how and I almost don’t care about the consequences. I want to so badly 🙁 it makes my heart beat faster and my body excited and my breathe catch in my throat thinking about doing it or thinking about how alcohol would feel hitting my stomach. I just want to let go. Obviously I’m not sitting here fantasizing about those things intentionally, it’s just the thoughts come to my mind and I have to push them out because they feel so good and so calming. So here I sit on my handy iPhone blogging on a place I hope someone understands. This is always a good, immediate distraction for me. It takes a little bit of the power away.