I knew I shouldn’t SI. I knew it wouldn’t solve anything. But I got tired of always being strong and I did it again. I forgot how much SI alters my mind, my emotions, my perception of reality. I hate it. It puts me in another world, where reality is hazy and feelings are numb. I’m more afraid and much more sad. Hopeless. And very, very alone. I can’t talk about what I did. I don’t want to see or interact with anyone. I don’t want to be this way. I want things to go back to normal. I want to feel, live, and laugh again, but instead I wear this heavy mantle of fog. My mind is not clear. I forget things and I have to try extra hard to act normal and right in the head. People notice I’m not “right.” Today someone asked me if I had been drinking. It made me work extra hard to cover my confused state.
I wonder how long this will last. I feel like it will last forever, because by injuring myself I have crossed a threshold into another world. I can’t talk about it with anyone. No one can come to where I am, and I can’t get out of this place.
I can’t believe I was so stupid. But regrets don’t change what I did. Self injury wounds my very soul, dulls my mind, and wreaks havoc on my emotional stability. Regrets don’t heal the damage. I’m not sure time will, either.
I wish I had not injured. I wish I could erase it, turn back time and make the right choice. I know the truth didn’t seem to be working and I felt really horrible, but if I had just persisted a little longer, maybe I would have been all right again. But now… now I’m not all right. I’m sick. I’m damaged. My physical injury will eventually heal. With luck, maybe I’ll even be able to forget it someday. But the wounds in my soul don’t heal so easily. I don’t even know where to start.
I really, really need to cry. I can’t, literally CAN’T. I can contort my face and sometimes my breath will catch in a sob, but I can’t cry. I need to cry for myself and for what I’ve done. See, common sense tells me what I did was really awful and really sad. And I need to process that, but unfortunately SI dulls my emotions so that I can’t process it. Instead, it just sits down inside of me making me miserable and incredibly sad.
If I could pull myself out of this sadness and fog, believe me, I would. If I could just pick up and go on and try to do better next time, I would. I can’t. I’m caught.
Part of me wants to injure again. But I can’t let myself. But as long as I’m in this fog and unreality, I’m not sure I can stand up to the temptation.
I don’t want to tell anybody. Don’t want to bother them. It’s not
fair to them. I feel I’m being selfish and bad, demanding attention which I don’t deserve and which they shouldn’t have to give me. Yes I want attention. Mostly I think I shouldn’t get it though because it’s a selfish want.
Somehow I have to find the way out of this mess. Again.