I just went from 0 to 60 in a second and the words were spewing out of my mouth faster than I could stop them. Every noise the cat makes, the dog, one of them touches me, she looks at me, she isn’t going as fast I want and I want out of this store, people are everywhere, the kid screaming, everyone everywhere being mean and the news, have you read the news ? It’s ridiculous. I deleted the news app on my phone, again.All of this homework. I have a presentation on Monday and I get nervous to talk in front of the class. I have a big test. I hate my job, I’m training a new girl. It’s an easy job, but I’m over it. I hate everything right now. Everything is on my last nerve. Especially myself! I told her I’m SO sorry for how I acted, please just lock me in a cage for a few days and let me out when this passes. It’s hormonal, I know. It’s like clock work. I don’t keep track of the days, but I’ll notice a shadow following me for a split second and when I look it’s gone, I’ll feel someone watching me, no one is there. Then my normal mood swings become 100x’s worse and I hate myself for it. I feel hopeless, there is no point in me being alive in this world. This guy I knew only by seeing him at meetings all the time died. I don’t know him personally. All I know is he wont be around anymore, his tattoos mean nothing, I thought his tattoos were so cool. He “went out” as they say in the 12 step world. What happened when he went out, I don’t know, but he died from it. He was 26, my age. I don’t understand death. I don’t understand what the point of living is. If there is no point, if there is no afterlife, why can’t I just si and drink and use drugs until I die anyway. What’s this “clean time” for ? I lay in bed at night sometimes so scared of the boogeyman, the monstors in my closet, everything. Just like a kid. I can’t bear to think of outerspace, the vast forever emptiness, the nothingness. I used to lay awake at night when I was a kid so scared, just like now. Except now is a little different I guess. I’m grown up enough to know that there arent monstors in my closet or the boogeyman coming for me at night. Aren’t I? The fight is over with her, I took a medication the doctor told me to take when I feel like this. Now I feel calm and groggy. It takes all of me to take as prescribed. It’s not a drug to get high orabuse, but it does make me FEEL less. But I know the consequences of taking too much of this medication is that I will feel NOTHING, and feeling NOTHING, makes me want to SI to feel something. So I took it as prescribed, even in the heat of the moment. I’m going now to lay down in my bed, studying would be completely uneffective right now. Lay down, breathe, count.