So, an update from my last post…. I did not SI. I cried, wrote some poetry late into the night, fell asleep, and woke up to a beautiful day. He just doesn’t seem so important anymore. Those words mean nothing because they come from the mouth of a narcissist who can’t even empathize with others. But a new day brings new problems. My mom’s boyfriend got laid off. This is bad news for me because my mom get stressed with money issues, and the more she stresses, the more our relationship suffers.
I know I’m strong enough to survive and fight this without relying on someone else, but it would be so nice to have someone hold my hand through this. I feel like all my relationships are built around conditions, and I wish there weren’t conditions. I wish simply being myself was enough. Maybe if it was, I wouldn’t feel like there was something inherently wrong with me, another driving force behind the SI. But nobody is perfect, and disappointing people is part of life. I have to remind myself everyday, that sometimes, people’s reactions are not about you. Sometimes you can be as kind and caring as possible and it just isn’t enough for some people. But that’s not about you, it’s about them. So why punish yourself for something that you’re really not involved in?