I’m up again tonight when I’d like to be sleeping. I went on my interview today. I think it went well. Then I came back and had some nice time with my son. I thought I’d feel more awkward about applying for a low level position to people my age but with big careers. I can sort of hold my own now. I am not like I was. I’m comforting myself with imagining my connection to my therapist. I believed I have no abandonment issues when I began. I found the very idea of abandonment issues repulsive. As he pointed out, that’s too much engagement to have nothing going on. I’m trying to own it. Breath into it. Know that everything is in me. I know what to do. I know this interview was the right thing to do. I also reached out to someone today that I wouldn’t have been able to in the past. What the interview symbolizes is a little onion layer of no longer being dependent on therapy to structure my week–having something else I need to do at a particular time. When I started in therapy I was very ill. That is no longer the case. It’s an identity challenge to feel safe healing. I think that wanting to go in that direction is related to the relapse. I want to just give up on being embarrassed or ashamed about that. There’s some pain there though. It’s in my upper chest, my shoulders want to pull together and my breath is shallow. But I can relax the muscles, breath into it, and say a kind word to myself. It’s very scary to grow.