I want whoever is reading this to know that you can be SI free. I started writing on this blog april 2011 and it’s October 11th , 2012… i had a rough time during my senior year of high school and Freshman year of College. I started to SI in 5th grade and by the time i was a Freshman in College (last year) it was worse. During my beginning days of Blogging i was introduced to someone who always commented on my Blogs with support. It was time where i felt so alone and this person helped me get through those dark moments. Eventually she found my email and we supported each other through email… then it was through text. I can say that i met an amazing friend who has been a great support system. She’s the only one who i can text and she would understand exactly how i feel. So thank you S.A.F.E for giving me a friend who makes me feel less alone. To those who are reading this, you’re not alone because everyone on this blog is going through it or has a loved one experiencing Self harm. Never feel alone, or worthless or unloved because you are worthy and loved.
A year ago i started to seek help for my Self harm and my Eating Disorder, it was really hard because i still continued to do it. Then i would spend weeks not doing it to only slip up each time. My outpatient team (some know my SI some don’t) my nutritionist did not think i would have made it out of Freshman year of College due to my eating disorder and behind that she did not know my struggle with SI, i did make it out though. My summer break from College started on May 16th, 2012 at that time i started to relapse with my Eating disorder and continued to SI. The eating disorder started to go down hill to the point that i had admitted myself into an intensive outpatient program. I learned a lot on how to cope and deal with stressful situations, times when i feel like i can’t deal any more and i’ve been using those skills since i was discharged which was on July 19th, 2012. I haven’t SIed in 107 days and believe me i never thought i would be able to say that. I remember a year ago looking through the S.A.F.E blogs and seeing comments about 3 months being SI free, 1 year being SI free or even a week and i never knew i could be one of those people who can write that.
Every day is a struggle, i still have urges to want to SI and i’m still struggling with my eating disorder because i’m no where near recovered at this point. I gave up so many times when it came to Self harm.. i thought why try if i keep failing, or i felt i was a hopeless case. I have been with my treatment team for about a year and i can say that i have not acted on SI for 107 days, i’m a sophomore in college now and i started as a little 5th grader. This is really my first time that i can say this.
Reading through all of my old posts i now realize i am normal, i have a long history with SI but it’s no different than someone who is an alcoholic. It’s our way to deal just like my eating disorder. We all have our ways to get through the dark times, but there’s a life outside of it. Being SI free may seem impossible but believe me i’ve been there, i have felt that way and it’s not impossible. I’m not perfect and i can’t say whether i would ever act on SI again because i can’t predict the future, i sure hope i don’t yet i do know that i’ve been clean and it feels good. I try to breathe through my anxiety because eventually that anxiety lessens.
Everyday is a struggle but remember that it is possible to be free of SI from a few days, to weeks, to months and to years it is possible. Never feel alone and remember that you can do it!