I haven’t been able to fall asleep and there is a swirl of stuff I want to say, but no not want to say to live listener. Which brings me to the trouble (is it trouble?) that I have been having with intimacy. In a professional context i was asked for more intimacy– I got the feedback that despite baring a lot I still felt distant- it was a professional context where that was a valid thing to say. It set off behaviors of isolation. I made it to therapy, but hardly having slept and terrified of him. He helped me make the connection– intimacy. He told me that I tell him how I feel, and I liked that. There is one part of the week where I go three days without seeing him– normally I see him a lot. And I like it like that– usually… I’m taking ten days off right now and it’s my choice. He will be gone some in the middle of that–starting tomorrow. ….is that part of my anxiety now?…. I sort of give up on even being ashamed f being so attached. Shame has yet to loosen it. And he doesn’t think it’s bad– I’m the one who finds it painful. I’m also the one who wants to start working more. I might he like to travel and be a distance from him for the summer…. I was thinking of that today. I limit myself. I did the same thing with my ex-husband, though it also served my ex-husband’s control. It just occurred to me that if I dated maybe i could diffuse my clutching- but really I need to keep working through it. So, I’m pleased that I have this time off. But I sort of need to talk about something that happened last time. In trying to figure out why I was so scared he asked if I had any wishes toward him. At the suggestion it wasn’t hard to come up with some very freeing and soothing thoughts of hurting him. I felt so close to him in his response– I am still feeling held now by any number of things he said to me in the last week. I really took a chance, playing along and it was fruitful. He said it happened in therapy sometime that there is a role reversal where the patient wants to make the therapist experience what she had experienced. And I had been hurt. It felt far out at the time but it doesn’t now. I hurt myself, after quite a while si free. My expectation is completely for the wall to fall down. But I can’t really screw up with him. It was interesting to go back to those conversations about si- because when I started with him (a few years ago)– I was very active but I couldn’t speak about it at all. In fact, i could hardly speak. I’m feeling a lot right now about the patience he showed. He didn’t give up on me. He was trying to motivate me recently, saying remember those lawyers, judges, therapists, all those people who were wrong about you, do you want to give in to them. My answer was yes. At the time, nothing seemed as soothing as collapse. I’m more on m feet now. I change a lot, quickly. The positive side of that I can be dangerously depressed then ok. But what was amazing is that I held a conversation about si– an extended one. He’s such a resource and the challenge is just to reach him. To let go. I’m excited now about my time on my own. Maybe there are contradictory feelings but I’m tolerating them. I’m going on an interview for a part-time job tomorrow. It’s very informal, this interview. And I feel like it’s in God’s hands. But it’s an important event for me, personally, having nothing to do with the job. It’s a bout making a move to take care of myself and be connected. And it’s also an easy job–about not pushing so hard… I was 20 the last time I was employed by anyone but myself– and in that sense myself is no different from my ex– that’s from when we were still blended together. I have held the business afloat on my own for some time, but it’s in bad shape and I don’t want to survive by my wits. I want someone to just pay me to do something. I want to see that I am good enough person, with real skills– I have value. I don’t have to invent everything myself. Intimacy, independence, interdependence. …….I remember my therapist talking about interdependence a long time ago…. I wonder what he said.