I was ok for so long.  The last time I had si-ed was in Aug I think.  I just needed it tonight.  I had to have it.  I dont regret it.  I dont wish I hadnt done it.  I almost wished I never knew what si did to me.  I wish I had never felt that calm wash over me.  Right now I dont regret it.  I had four long days with my family.

With my family theyre all fighting constantly.  My parents dont get along.  I had my annoying aunt and uncle and a cousin who more than likely has an eating disorder but wont admit to it and causes more harm to my family than anything.   I just needed to get away from them.  I needed some peace.  I needed to have a night for myself and I have that.  But what do I do? Over eat and si.  COOL! the one night I get to calm down and release some negative thoughts I do it in the two most harmful ways I possibly could.

What really triggered my si was an old friend.  I had a dream about him, so I texted him telling him about it.  One thing led to another and he wanted to hang out.  Well, hes married.  It doesnt justify my actions or his, but this situation just shouldnt be visited.  But I miss him, I miss what we had three years ago.  I have never missed anyone so much.  It wasnt that we were intimate, it was that I could tell him anything and he wouldnt care.  I could be a total weirdo and he didnt care.  He knew I sied and didnt think I was crazy.  We would lie there for hours just talking.  About anything and everything.  Ive never been so honest with another human being in my life.  And I cant have this person in my life.  Its a toxic relationship.  its hard.  I cant be with him because I know its not just us that hurt from it, but his whole life.  I just cant.

I just want to go to bed.  I want to close my eyes and pretend I never met him.  Pretend our lives never crossed. Pretend I never sied.  Pretend Im not this weak person.

I just want to pretend it never happened.