I’m not going to be around the bush about how I feel right now. I can’t stand myself. I am mentally just completely overwhelmed and physically exhausted. I want to self harm. I miss it. It’s been 7 months…7 months!!! I saw a very triggering picture the other day on youtube after watching a video about helping people who self harm, and it was literally a picture of what I’ve done in the past.
Why do I miss self harming? Why do I always go back to it? Why is it always just THERE!? My scars are fading, but they’re still so visible. Also, I am in a play at my college and for some reason I have just been so beat up during the run so far. I have a new injury every day. It really gets me deep in my gut when someone says “Wow, you need to stop hurting yourself!” with a laugh.
Uh…how would you feel if you knew that I actually HAVE harmed myself?
So, I realized that I am too selfless. I am actually self neglecting. For this show, I literally do not even think about myself except for when it’s almost time for me to go on stage because otherwise the show can’t go on. I do my hair before we get to the theatre so that I have time for EVERYONE ELSES. Also, I will drop EVERYTHING so that I can help someone else. I will help other people until 2 am before I get to my own needs.
but then! Someone will say something or make a comment that just makes it all feel like not enough! Like what I’m doing doesn’t matter. I feel like such a failure! No, I AM a failure!
I have an application due today, a paper due monday, a paper due and a quiz on tuesday, and also I have shows everynight and my parents coming to visit and meetings for TWLOHA (which, i should be able to say I’m struggling but I feel like the secretary shouldn’t do that…) And I have a crush on this guy I’ll never have a chance with because he is just absolutely amazing and I would hate for him to have to deal with my junk and depression and self harm and my family and ugh…
I just want to crawl in a hole and self harm…7 months? I don’t even care anymore.