I have been asking my therapist for extra help then pushing him away. I have been seeing him as help one minute then the second he tries to help, he is against me. I see that I am doing it but I’m not sure how to stop. My mind agrees with the program of the new way to live but in my bones this whole other reality that I know very well IS NOT REAL – seems so much more real, more appealing. Deep shame of what am I doing. Atrocious behavior. I’m agitated and terrified. Medication that would normally make me calm only makes me calm enough to stop shaking. Something is not right. I am not supposed to put things into black and white bc black isn’t true. But that is contrary to the world I am experiencing. Everything I know from years of recovery work, where I have been so dedicated is utterly contrary to my perceptions and experience. I really think something is wrong. But it could just be I am making the wrong choices. It was like I had never heard it before when I was reminded earlier this week and that I’m not supposed to be trying to control urges– just behavior. The truth is that I can control the behavior if I want to but I do not want to. Part of me wants to. Part of me sat in group today and really thought I wanted to try and get myself back on track. Then I came home I was back to being bent on self-destructive behavior. Part of the self destructive stuff is things I am doing (si) that I shouldn’t. The other is things I should be doing that I am not. I will feel better about myself if I do some things. I do not choose to be writing to push myself blacker. I choose to be writing because I still really, really want to move toward healing. I want to feel a part of God.