I am having trouble sitting with myself today, especially now. I feel like I’m completely empty, depleted of all meaning with no purpose for living and at the same time I feel so full, overwhelmingly, uncomfortably full of everything. Life is good right now. It’s stressful but it’s a healthy stressful in my opinion. Well, usually. My car situation is not a healthy stress. I wonder how people who don’t struggle with SI handle things like car problems. I guess how I am handling it now-except my very first thought is ” oh my god what am I going to do if my car dies how will I get to class and work-I’ll take the bus. But I’m scared to walk in my neighborhood at night or early in the morning when I’d have to walk to the bus stop. I’m scared to cross the street. What if I get off at the wrong stop? What if terrorist blow up city transportation??”…so when that all goes through my head I think I need to SI to be ok. SI will not fix my car…nor will it take me out of this place I’m in right now. It does sound very appealing, but I just know it won’t work and I miss it working. As sick as it sounds-sometimes I get jealous of people who still SI and don’t want to stop. People who still get relief, even people who keep it a secret still. It was awful and a kind of torture to keep that secret and it eventually took me to a very dark place. I never want to go back, but the idea is so comforting. I feel so in need of comfort I called my mom. I wanted her to tell me everything will be ok and offer to come visit me and we can go to lunch or something and I can hug her and hold on to her the whole time. I don’t even know where that came from. It does sound like the most comforting thing to me right now. My girlfriend hugging me now doesn’t help, my dogs no, my stuffed elephant no. Talking to my therapist was very comforting, but not enough to fill this void. I wonder if I went back on this blog I’ve posted on for years under different names and at very different times in my life how many blogs would mention an emptiness and an insatiable need for warmth and comfort. Probably a lot. It’s really not this intense everyday, thank god. And it’s not as often as when I was drinking and drugging. But it’s there and some nights it’s deep and intense like this and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m working on the spiritual stuff…but to be honest god has never filled THIS particular need,void…whatever it’s called. I’ve been extremely spiritual at some points in my life, but that has never worked for this.