I posted last week under the wrong category and now realize that I need to be here under the Adult Connections. I am writing today, because I am struggling with Extreme Sadness…Last Monday I found out that I was loosing my house and it is all because my ex last year decided to stop paying what the court told him he had to pay for maintenance support to keep a roof over my disabled child’s head.
My life has been impossible from the time that I was born, I was left alone a lot, and then sexually abused at 3, then abandoned in the same year by my birth mother. There is nothing worse then feeling like no one loves you enough to keep you and take care of you. I was eventually adopted into a family that was verbally abusive, and physically abusive. I was told often that I was stupid, no good, would never graduate, or be anything in life other then the product of my terrible birth mother. I was in sixth grade when that came up. I was put on a scale and weighed every morning, and criticized if I even gained a pound. When I was in 6th grade I tried to end my life. I just fell asleep and awoke to another awful day. I was spiraling, being used by the boys at school in a way that I didn’t know was wrong. I was date raped my sophomore year in college, and never told anyone about it. I had my first child when I was 25, my second when I was 30, and then married that man, who went on for 6 years to sexually Rape me. I thought I was doing what the bible told me to do, and that was to submit to my husband, even though he was causing me damage. I started to SI shortly after he left us for another woman. I stopped for awhile as the pressure was not as bad, but then this past year I began to see a counselor who use’s CBT and IFS in getting in deep to the issues that have caused me to SI, I could not help myself, and eventually I got to a point where I went four months without my tools. I handed them over twice to my counselor. I thought I was done for good.
This past summer, I was trying to work, and had hired a man who ended up sexually assaulting my son who has disabilities. I couldn’t handle it, I hate men, I have yet to find one that would treat anyone in my family decent. I can’t be in the same room without shaking profoundly in fear if there are not an equal amount of women in the room. Because of this man’s actions the pressure and numb returned, safety mech. I am sure, and that is where it stayed in the numb. I couldn’t feel anything, then just last week I found out that I am loosing our house of 7 and a half years. I lost myself. I cried uncontrollably for three days, and then felt the urge come back to SI again. So I did.
I am scared to see my counselor tomorrow, she is going to rank me up one side and down the other, at least this is what my child like brain is telling me. She won’t, but she will be disappointed for sure. She will ask if I am ready to give my tools up again. I don’t know if I am, I want to, but it seems to be the only thing that is keeping me alive. I know that sounds strange, but when I SI I feel alive, and not dead inside, I am able to see that I am alive. I hide the wounds from my children, and keep a happy face on just for them, so that they don’t ever know what I am doing.
Sometimes I don’t know what is worse the Extreme sadness that is locked in the numb, or the expression of crying uncontrollably to empty the emotion tank. I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this other then my counselor, and that is all of 50min. once a week. There is no one else so I came here. Maybe someone can tell me how to handle this for good, and not feel that this is the only way.