I guess that what is really upsetting me right now is that my business is running into the ground. I just got a bill that was a bit worse than I expected. I miscalculated. I think I need to close down but I have no idea what else to do. I hate listening to other people around me doing business.
Maybe it’s better for me to focus on that than my dysfunction reaction. The truth, though, is that I’m not 100 percent sure why I’ve had such a long difficult path. I’m resolved to live through it. I have a child. I spend time thinking about how, in a spiritual sense, this is not my life to take.
My therapist suggested mindfulness on the way I feel but I’m finding I can’t do it because I just fall right into its whole where I can’t tell myself from the feeling. I am unhappy but unhappiness is not my definition. I’ve got that down in the abstract. Up close, I just don’t know how to summon the desire not to injure.
I have to reach into myself. Some of the reasons are that it gets worse. It is not a monster that can be filled—feeding it just makes it hungrier. …..but my honest emotional reaction to that is positive. It sounds soothing for it to take over.
What’s another reason? I’ve put so much energy into learning to live differently. …..but I really feel like I just don’t care.
It’s getting cold so it will be easy to hide. No deterrent there.
It’s my therapist. That’s the deterrent that means something to me. Trusting him. I’m supposed to see him tomorrow but I don’t want to. I want to hide from him. I know though that he won’t be mad at me. He’ll tell me that relapse is just a part of recovery. He’ll say it’s black and white to see things as doing things the old way or seeing him. But I feel at a V in the road. It is black and white.
How to bare the stress in my life?