Sometimes I think just giving up is easier. Then I think of all the things I have, everything I have acheived, and I realize that I have so much to live for. Then i shake the thought out of my mind and go to the next. SI. I want to si. I want to Si so badly its not even funny. I look at myself and think of how much i miss it. Of how confident i felt. I feel like ive lost all control. No si. My weight is out of control again, and I have no time for myself. there is no time that I can call my own. Right now is the first time ive been alone in the last week. First time! And im not even alone. Everyones in the living room. I get to shut myself in my room to have a little peace and quiet. But then again, I dont know. I feel every ounce of me is exhausted. I feel like everything inside me just wants to shut off. I just want to lay here and never move again. But my life doesnt have time for that. I had four hours of sleep last night. I think im getting sick AGAIN! I was sick two weeks ago!!! And im having the same symptoms again!! Like why do I keep getting sick. Its like my body is telling me Im weak. Its like I just should give up and forget all my hopes and dreams.
I say all of this. I think all of this. Yet this is the career I have chosen to pursue. I know that mentally I need help. I know that physically im not ok. I know that I need to get help from someone. Someone who is who I want to be someday.
I know why I feel like this. I have no control over anything. I have never been so scared to si in my life. When I dont si, my emotions leak through. I flip out. I freak out. I start saying what im thinking and hurt those around me. I start showing the evil person who peeks through. And Im not a mean person. I just feel like that mainly because I never share my feelings with anyone. No one knwos my real thoughts except here. I dont know. Im going to sleep. Im putting off si again. Im going to pretend I dont need it and just go to bed. I think ill be ok. I have to be.