Sometimes I think just giving up is easier.  Then I think of all the things I have, everything I have acheived, and I realize that I have so much to live for.  Then i shake the thought out of my mind and go to the next.  SI.  I want to si.  I want to Si so badly its not even funny.  I look at myself and think of how much i miss it.  Of how confident i felt.  I feel like ive lost all control.  No si. My weight is out of control again, and I have no time for myself.  there is no time that I can call my own.  Right now is the first time ive been alone in the last week.  First time! And im not even alone.  Everyones in the living room.  I get to shut myself in my room to have a little peace and quiet.  But then again, I dont know.  I feel every ounce of me is exhausted.  I feel like everything inside me just wants to shut off.  I just want to lay here and never move again.  But my life doesnt have time for that.  I had four hours of sleep last night.  I think im getting sick AGAIN!  I was sick two weeks ago!!! And im having the same symptoms again!! Like why do I keep getting sick.  Its like my body is telling me Im weak.  Its like I just should give up and forget all my hopes and dreams.

I say all of this.   I think all of this.  Yet this is the career I have chosen to pursue.  I know that mentally I need help.  I know that physically im not ok.  I know that I need to get help from someone.  Someone who is who I want to be someday.

I know why I feel like this.  I have no control over anything.  I have never been so scared to si in my life.  When I dont si, my emotions leak through.  I flip out.  I freak out.  I  start saying what im thinking and hurt those around me.  I start showing the evil person who peeks through.  And Im not a mean person.  I just feel like that mainly because I never share my feelings with anyone.  No one knwos my real thoughts except here.  I dont know.  Im going to sleep.  Im putting off si again. Im going to pretend I dont need it and just go to bed.  I think ill be ok.  I have to be.