I’ve been battling with Si for more than three years now. There’s been moments where I wanted nothing more than to be “over it” to be free of the cycle. There’s also been moments where I couldn’t even fathom where I would be without Si, where I couldn’t even try to picture myself without it. It’s been a long journey and it’s most certainly far from over. I’m caught in the inbetween right now. Although I’ve tried shifted back into normalcy and putting space between myself and Si, I realize that I’ve grown farther away from this ‘normalcy’ that I’ve been striving for, I’ve also become more drawn to Si. I haven’t relapsed in awhile, I don’t bother to keep track-knowing that I’m going to relapse at some point either way. I’m feeling so torn right now, all I’ve managed to do is to put myself in a confused blur. Part of me wants to surrender, to be caught and treated for Si. Then part of me is still terrified of what the helplessness feels like and I want to cling to Si even harder. I’m confused as to whether I’m ready to give up Si or if I’m on the verge of succumbing to a deeper span of depression filled with promise of relapse. It truly gets to be overwhelming and unbearable, being caught on the inbetween, teetering on the edge. I know a break is coming, it’s coming soon. I don’t know if I can handle it. I have myself stretched so thin right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m just finding myself feeling crushed and overwhelmed by all of this. I need help so bad right now … I just don’t know that I have the strength to get it or the courage to accept it.