i need you i need you i need you. i just looked at our prom pictures. we were so in love. i’m losing that feeling. i’m forgetting what it meant to belong somewhere. to be loved and cared about by someone. i had a family with you. i had hope for the future. i’m so glad you’re happy and i want to do everything possible to make sure you’re ok, even though it’s killing me. but it’s doing just that. all i think about when i’m sitting on my computer attempting to homework is the fact that i’ll never feel you hold me or kiss me again. i’ll never whisper “i love you” into your ear or feel you relax in my arms. i understand why. i know that i did this. it just still is so unbelievably hard to go through every day without you. to try to be so strong and pretend that i’m feeling better when i’m really not. i’m still so scared. i still can’t be alone. i still cry myself to sleep. if anything i’m growing more hopeless by the day. not just actively sad, but genuinely hopeless. i’m turning into a walking ghost again. i hate being that. please come back. don’t let me be this again. i love you. PLEASE. i remember when if i sent this to you you would call me and talk to me for hours just to know i would be ok. and when you would write me a note or bring me soup or just hold me while i cried. when all you wanted to do was help me and you believed so completely that i deserved something better than what my life has been. it crushes me that you don’t believe that anymore. it hurts me that i can’t tell you any of this. that i can’t send it. that i’ll never be able to tell you how i feel right now. instead, i’ll give you relationship advice. i’ll tell you to be with her and that i’m ok. and you won’t even know that i’m sacrificing myself for you, because i can’t tell you that either. i have to let you continue to think i’m a bad, selfish person who does nothing but hurt you. because otherwise you’ll feel guilty. you’ll get mad. and then i won’t even be able to talk to you the little bit i do now. i just hope that i’ll learn something from this. that someday, maybe i’ll be ok. that even if i can’t have you back, even though that will always make me sad and i’ll always wonder, i’ll figure out how to move on and settle for someone that isn’t who i was meant to spend the rest of my life with. i wish i could send this to you. but i can’t. i can’t i can’t i can’t. i hate being strong. i can’t do it. i’m weak. i’ve always been a weak person. no matter how much i pretend to be strong and smart and confident. remember how that drew you in? remember how you were intimidated by me? that seems so stupid now. i was right all along: you deserve better than me. i never made you happy. i wasn’t helping you. even when that’s all i wanted to do. what if i get better? what if i figure this out and we hang out this summer and everything comes rushing back? you probably still won’t be able to trust me. you won’t take me back. never. because now you know who i was always afraid i was. and who you always told me i wasn’t. that’s why i was ok, you know. because you told me i didn’t have to be that person and i believed you. but still, i threw it all away. i lost control. and it ruined everything. again. this is why i hate myself. because i get so torn up and everything inside me is constantly fighting itself. i just need to feel better somehow. any way i can. but the only thing that has ever really helped me is you. which i threw away. so maybe i should just give up. i can’t live without you. i lied when i said it’s getting easier. i’m just growing numb. i’m disappearing more and more each day. you promised this wouldn’t happen again! you promised this time would be different. that you would help to bring me back. that you wouldn’t let me drive you away. please come back. i wish you could see why, everyone could see why, i’m like this. because i was alone. because i had no hope. because no one can ever love me no matter what, because i’m too horrible of a person. and even when i try to make it right afterwards, no one can know what i’m doing, because that will ruin the point. i’m not meant to be a martyr. i can’t just suffer like this. i need encouragement. and right now i have none. it won’t even get me anything. it will just drive you away from me more and into her arms. and if you guys break up, i’ll be here waiting, but you’ll probably blame me, and you still won’t take me back. and i won’t be allowed to show that i’m hurt or disappointed. i won’t be allowed to cry or get upset or beg you to just hold me, because i think that if you did you would remember what we had, because that would mean that everything i’m doing and saying now was just to try and get you back, which still makes me a horrible person. so maybe this actually isn’t doing anything. maybe i’m suffering for nothing. if that’s not insanity, then i don’t know what is. i prayed the other day. that’s how alone i feel. but at the same time it was kinda liberating. i don’t have to pretend to be so sure of what i think or believe anymore. i don’t have to try so hard. because i’m not allowed to care about anyone except myself, because no one even wants my support or care. because it hurts them in the end. just like it hurts me. so i should probably just stop. but no. something has to get better. it has to. things can’t keep getting this bad all the time. but it’s all i’ve ever known. i’m about to start crying now. again. i didn’t think i had any tears left. but apparently i do. this just hurts so bad…