I possibly figured out why I am so on edge and have that achy feeling for SI. In a few days I will be seeing some of my family. While I am excited, subconsciously there is always this weird dread. Two of my family members abused me when I was little. They are still part of my family and I still see them (yes… as unhealthy as that probably is). I have to give them a hug like all is okay with the world. Whenever this occurs I put up the same old wall that I have for some many years in order to still be a rational, okay person. My mother knows what happens, and I think that finally, now at this stage – so many years later I am finally feeling some of that anger toward her. I love her and want to protect her, but geez… she, and everyone else, acts like things never happened and all is fine.

Is it fine? I don’t know. I am old enough and educated enough to know sitting here that it is not fine. But when I get in the middle of my family and everyone acts normal I begin to feel like I am going crazy. Maybe I am the one with the problem. Then I start to have flashbacks and feel this immense amount of guilt for bringing the abuse out and the open and creating a mess of a situation that I don’t ever want to revisit.

I am beginning to realize I never felt validated. Was it okay what happened? NO..these people did horrible things to me. But wait…didn’t DCFS get involved and police and they all say “sorry, not enough evidence to do anything”. Then everything just goes back to normal and I am still around these people. Maybe I am the one making all this more than it is – even now after so many years.

So, I think this is why everything in my life right now with school and work seems to trigger me so easily. Deep down I know what awaits me. I am just so confused though. I am excited and want to see my family, but at the same time is it okay to be excited after everything that happened? I want to be angry and mad, but I can’t. Why is that? I never know how to feel when these family situations come up. So I become like everyone else and just pretend that all if fine and that nothing did happen and try to suppress that disgusted feeling when I have to give a friendly kiss to these abusers. I feel so conflicted and it makes me want to SI because I start to blame myself for everything.

Sorry, for the ramble. Just needing to sort things out.