I am struggling tonight. I have just been in an up and down mood all day…like argumentative. I got in a fight with my girlfriend, with my boss. I hate when I say things like that like I can’t stop it and as the words come out of my mouth in my head I’m thinking “stop stop stop why are you saying this you don’t even mean it stop!”
I know what’s bothering me and I’m just so embarrassed that its affecting me. It’s not over! I feel abandoned but not really. Insecure. Ugh, I disgust myself sometimes. But it’s ok. I’m supposed to not judge myself. Self destruction is so much easier. Not easier as it it’s easy to live like that. It’s not, it’s hell. It’s dark and hopeless. I guess I mean it would be so easy to let my defense down and let all the demons in me that I fight just take over. Like the fight in Harry Potter maybe. That’s what comes to my mind. All my defenses are up but it’s inevitable-they are bigger, stronger, their hate is powerful and they slowly make their way through all my defenses. One by one spell by spell until they have made it through all the walls to me, standing in front of me and I have a choice. Surrender or keep hope and stand strong and not give up. I will be fine tonight now. I’m not going to act out- but man I sure do feel like it.