I’ve spent my afternoon and evening and night crying. Just letting it happen. My therapist and I have been talking about moving to biweekly sessions. If this was mentioned 6 months ago I would have lost it. 6 months ago my therapist had to cancel an appointment and I turned into a mess in a matter of seconds. I impulsively got in my car and sped away and sped down a busy road and went to the liquor store and almost SI’ed. I felt completely abandoned and angry and underneath the anger really I was afraid she didn’t care about me anymore. How can I feel so calm now? We’ve talked about how dependent I am or not on her. That was a hard conversation. My answer was so different than it was months ago. How did this happen? It’s like some subtle change that has been creeping up on me. It’s been a decent length of time not that I’ve felt well. It’s like where before I felt things at 9 or 10 ALL the time, now the 9 or 10 happens but not all the time and when it does I have access to a switch and I can turn it down to a 3,4,5…or I can pause it if it stays at a 10 and call someone…do something I’ve been taught. It’s very weird, this is all very weird. I have this part of me that’s waiting for me to mess up, to slip up and SI or drink and use that as an excuse to completely give up and throw it all away. I try to not focus on that part of me. It’s there but I think that’s normal. I have another part that ask me what if it all comes back? What if I lose control…whatever that is. I kind of think I’m I’m charge now of whether or not I lose control. I don’t think I’m in control of my black and white thinking, how intense I feel things, how my mood shifts, my racing thoughts and anxiety and feeling out of my body or out of touch-I  don’t think I can change those things but I have learned how to manage them and when it happens I have all kinds of “tools” to use. I don’t know-I’ve already written in my journal, I’ve cried a lot, I talk to my girlfriend about all of it and she says she doesn’t understand but she hugs me as long as it takes and she is always supportive. Biweekly…It’s just a change, it’s not OVER it’s just change change change. Whenever it IS over we’ve talked about that too and it’s not as black and white as I thought. I don’t know what I’m getting at. I just wanted to talk about it. It’s a big deal to me, and it’s a big deal to me that it’s a big deal to me and I’m sitting here calmly writing about it and not hurting myself out of this sadness. It’s all very weird and good. And sad.