Today started off as a great day couldn’t be better. Spent the day talking with people that I know hanging out with my best friend going to art galleries. Everything was great it was a nice day out – sun shining , wind blowing , perfect fall weather nothing could be better.It seems that right when I hit the high point of the day I rapidly hit the low point of the day. I don’t just mean the I am sad low I mean the I want to cry and injure my self. It seems that everything that happens relates to a few certain people in my life that no matter how hard I try I can’t ever be rid of them even if I wanted to. Is it wrong just to want to do something for me? Not to do exactly what others want me to do ? Is that selfish ?
Or is it not even my life to live anyways ? If I can’t control anything in my life I know one thing I can control and thats how I look, What I eat, How I injure my self, How I write and what kind of music I listen to. But if you can only control those few things in life is there even a point in living ? Because I honestly don’t see one.
You spend your life making decisions and can those decisions ever be just for you or is that selfish also ? If I do what everyone else wants how is this even my life? I just wanna go somewhere where I don’t know anyone but I don’t think that will be a cure to my problems either. Is there ever a time that I will be able to stop wanting to self injure? Because it has been about a 5 year struggle and its not even over. If I can’t stop having this feeling of needing to feel something other then the junk I go through with my family/ friends. Does that mean I am never going to get better?
There are so many questions in my mind so many I want answers to but so many that I know that I wont get answers to so whats the point of even asking them….. Sorry I am rambling have no one else I can talk to .