It’s amazing to me how certian things can trigger feelings. I’m in a new house, I’ve lived here about a month and a half. But it’s the same stuff.This is the same laptop I drank with and SI’ed with late, late at night. It’s the same pen holders on the desk, same decorations, same books on the bookshelves surrounding me right now. I’m in the same chair. A song came on my shuffle that I used to play and it all comes back. Not that the memories of the last few years ever leave, but sometimes I’m reminded so intensly. Even though they’re just things, I feel like they were there with me. It’s silly sounding now that I’m typing it out, but I need to anyway. So while I’m sitting here on the same laptop, with the same pen holders,and the same music-I smell the fall scented candles. Pumpkin pie, “autumn harvest”…it reminds me of growing up. My Mom used to love decorating the house for fall and all the smells and colors. I don’t know if it’s a proven fact or anything but smells bring back memories so vividly.So I have all these feelings going on. All the bad memories of being drunk and sad and SIing in that room at the old house and then the scents of fall and being a kid. It’s like pain mixed with comfort. Except it makes me want to go back. That’s probably not the most accurate way to explain it, but it’s something like that. I don’t think that it’s actually I WANT to be on the floor crying drunk and hurting myself at 2am praying to die and hating myself…why would I miss that ? I do sometimes. Sometimes it really just doesn’t work to ” play the tape through”, for me anyway. At the same time, as much as I miss that at moments. I’m only up this late because I’m STUDYING, for SCHOOL, and I got off WORK not too long ago…when I was in that room at the old house, drunk, sad, crying,and SIing, I could not imagine me where I am tonight. Instead of waking up to study I’d wake up shaky and anxious and wondering where these marks on my body came from and what I did to myself. NO way could I have focused on textbooks and homework. It’s really crazy. I get so scared of myself sometimes, because sometimes I for real absolutely can’t see the harm in that kind of life. I can see myself in my head, but I can’t get in touch with the disgusting, raw, broken, miserable feelings that go along with the image. Then other times, I can remember everything. What if in one of those moments that I can’t remember, I slip up. It feels THAT real. It’s a waste of my time to worry about it really. It’s time to go to sleep. I just wanted to get all that out. Recovery is amazing and no matter what happens, in this moment I feel like I’m worth something. Like I’m not a waste of a life anymore. Even when I get all impulsive, feel like drinking/SIing, feel “crazy”, out of touch, lost, discourgaed. I still feel like I’m ok and that I will be ok and I feel cared about and the biggest miracle of all is that I care about myself and I want to be gentle and loving to myself now too, not just others.