Soo much time has passed since I last even entertained the idea and yet I find myself here again. Does it ever go away….
Two weeks ago I witnessed a friend of mine get jumped by three total strangers for absolutely no reason other than they said he bumped into them. And out came all the old PTSD symptoms, nightmares, flashbacks, body memories, jumpiness. And the worst part is it isnt just symptoms related to this attack that I witnessed but somehow it unleashed an entire collection of memories and thoughts from abusive relationships that have flooded me for the past two weeks now and disturbed my day and my night and my sleep and my functioning. And somehow these all have mixed together along with the dysfunctional parts of my marriage to bring me to my knees as I try desperately to use every coping tool I was taught while at SAFE. Writing in my journal, making my collages, taking long walks alone, even praying, buble baths, everything ive been using for years since I left the program to keep myself SAFE.
A week after the attack I was in a particularly nasty mood and my husband happened to utter the words he wished i was dead, not to me but to some of our friends who later told it to me. He has been calling me names and putting me down and I’ve already felt so awful even after I tried explaining why Ive been so jumpy and moody from the PTSD related stuff he just doesnt have the patience for me to understand….
Its been almost two years and I caved…. and i S.I.ed for the first time in a very very long time and now im panicked. Im losing my mind. Im hiding my shame. And I have no one I am willing to speak to about this, least of all my husband and deffinetely not my friends who might force me to get treatment. Ive had treatment. Ive gone through this before. I know i can get out of it by myself just like I got into it. I just need to talk to other people who can relate here. Im desperately trying to hold on. Im going through the day to day motions. Im making sure the dishes are clean and the house is clean and the kids get off to school okay and we read books and watch movies and everything ‘SEEMS’ just fine…. but i was a master at “seeming” just fine for many years and i desperately dont want to go back down this road…. why did i even take the first step…. all the self talk in the world didnt stop me this time. I thought i was stronger than this.
I am so sad…..