It’s been awhile since I have last posted. I hope you are all staying strong and keeping hope.
It’s been one month since the last time I S.I. But lately the urge has been creeping back. I recently trasnferred to a new college and I’m having a rough time adjusting. It’s only 3 hours away from where I used to live but it seems so much farther. I live in my own apartment and I’m having trouble meeting people at school. I’ve never been good at talking with people and it’s showing. Last night I had a complete meltdown. I’m not sure what triggered it but I think visiting home this past weekend was a cause. I went back home and realized it really wasn’t my “home” anymore. My friends who I used to work with are still there and I longed to be back. One of my friends looked at where I used to injure was shocked she told me, “Good job! It looks so healthy. I’m so proud of you.” I was proud of me too.
Last night I just missed everything and everyone. I missed my old life, my familiar life. I hated being here, I hated everything that was new to me. I couldn’t stop crying and starting having a panic attack. My anxiety has been worse now a days and S.I. is the one thing that usually calms me down. I tried to go for a run but it didn’t help. My thoughts just kept telling me to come home and grab my tools. My hand was holding my tool and my mind was telling me to just get it over with, to screw all the hard work I’ve done this past month and just do it. But my hand wasn’t moving. I texted my friend and told her to convince me not to do it. People may say it’s wrong to count on others to make myself stop but it’s all I know. I hate myself, I would destroy myself if I could but I don’t because of the people around me. I care more about my friends than I do about myself. I then read a note my other friend had wrote me that said, “You are loved, you are cared for, you are missed. Don’t forget.” I reread it over and over through my tears, focused on my breathing and eventually calmed down. In that moment, I realized how powerful words can be. I put my tool back in it’s spot and went to sleep after that.
When I woke up, I didn’t feel rested. My thoughts about S.I. have gone quiet but I know it won’t be for long. Tomorrow I’m going to go to my school’s counseling services and try to make an appointment (if I can get up the courage) I want to talk to someone and see if my problems are as bad as I think. I want to get their opinion on weather I should see a licensed therapist and get on medication. I don’t really want to be on medication but I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I feel like sometimes I can’t control my actions and I’m scared of where that will lead me.
I needed to get my thoughts out and this blog feels safe to me, so I’m sorry if it was all just a rambling mess. To Write Love on Her Arms is one of my favorite organizations and to quote on of their blogs, to anyone who reads this and is having a rough time, “Please Stay Alive.”
I know what your feeling. I feel like in the past month or so everything has gotten worse like the urges seem worse to the point where I have to talk to someone and have to put things in my hand usually its my phone and my other holds on to the bed or something.But I still rarely seem to pin point exactly what triggers me. I don’t believe that anyone knows the power of words and what they can do (positive or negative ) to people.I totally know what you mean about caring more about your friends than your self. Someone once told me you have to deal with your own problems before you can help someone else . For me that makes everything worse because I am focusing on my self and just how horrible I feel and how much I really cant stand myself or the things that I do its a constant fear of just never being good enough. So if I worry about others I just don’t pay attention to my self and everything that bothers me. To this day its so hard for me to talk to people face to face about my struggle with self injury because I (like most people ) just want to be excepted and admitting that I have a problem or struggle with something to someone that I don’t know at all is so hard for me to do its hard enough with people that I trust and know are not judgmental. I feel like I should see a Psychiatrist because I feel like I need to be on something because nothing I seem to do is helping anything. My mom is on anti-depressants but she said that I didn’t need to be on any though in front of a councilor she said she didn’t mind. I just don’t know I want to see if they would help me I know some people that are on them said they help but I think its different for most people. Any ways now I am just rambling feel free to message me anytime you wanna talk .
Blueyedginger717@hotmail.com
Mary