It’s been awhile since I have last posted. I hope you are all staying strong and keeping hope.
It’s been one month since the last time I S.I. But lately the urge has been creeping back. I recently trasnferred to a new college and I’m having a rough time adjusting. It’s only 3 hours away from where I used to live but it seems so much farther. I live in my own apartment and I’m having trouble meeting people at school. I’ve never been good at talking with people and it’s showing. Last night I had a complete meltdown. I’m not sure what triggered it but I think visiting home this past weekend was a cause. I went back home and realized it really wasn’t my “home” anymore. My friends who I used to work with are still there and I longed to be back. One of my friends looked at where I used to injure was shocked she told me, “Good job! It looks so healthy. I’m so proud of you.” I was proud of me too.
Last night I just missed everything and everyone. I missed my old life, my familiar life. I hated being here, I hated everything that was new to me. I couldn’t stop crying and starting having a panic attack. My anxiety has been worse now a days and S.I. is the one thing that usually calms me down. I tried to go for a run but it didn’t help. My thoughts just kept telling me to come home and grab my tools. My hand was holding my tool and my mind was telling me to just get it over with, to screw all the hard work I’ve done this past month and just do it. But my hand wasn’t moving. I texted my friend and told her to convince me not to do it. People may say it’s wrong to count on others to make myself stop but it’s all I know. I hate myself, I would destroy myself if I could but I don’t because of the people around me. I care more about my friends than I do about myself. I then read a note my other friend had wrote me that said, “You are loved, you are cared for, you are missed. Don’t forget.” I reread it over and over through my tears, focused on my breathing and eventually calmed down. In that moment, I realized how powerful words can be. I put my tool back in it’s spot and went to sleep after that.
When I woke up, I didn’t feel rested. My thoughts about S.I. have gone quiet but I know it won’t be for long. Tomorrow I’m going to go to my school’s counseling services and try to make an appointment (if I can get up the courage) I want to talk to someone and see if my problems are as bad as I think. I want to get their opinion on weather I should see a licensed therapist and get on medication. I don’t really want to be on medication but I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I feel like sometimes I can’t control my actions and I’m scared of where that will lead me.
I needed to get my thoughts out and this blog feels safe to me, so I’m sorry if it was all just a rambling mess. To Write Love on Her Arms is one of my favorite organizations and to quote on of their blogs, to anyone who reads this and is having a rough time, “Please Stay Alive.”