My family was turned down for food stamps. We can’t afford the rent. I really want to SI right now, just to get away from this whole situation. I’m tired of worrying about possibly starving or losing the roof over my head, all because a single mother, two 17-year-old daughters, and a 13-year-old daughter have too much money for government assistance. They even included my 13-year-old sister’s savings account into our “resources.” An 8th grader shouldn’t have to pay rent or bills. This whole thing seems so stupid to me. I just want to make it all go away. I miss SI. I miss the way it felt, I miss it, all of it. My scars are all old now, but it only makes me miss having new ones more. I know it’s the “wrong way” to go about things, but to me it seems like the easiest and fastest solution to make myself feel better.
I’m so afraid of what’s going to happen next. What if we lose the house? What if we can’t buy food? What if I fail my exam in two weeks? It feels like it would be so much easier to focus on getting things done if I had that pain as a reminder, but I know I can’t. I haven’t injured for several months now, but I can feel myself falling back into that same rut of feeling worthless and lost, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s so much easier to forgive myself if I become the victim of my own sins. I want to be able to forgive myself, but it seems like I just can’t.
I don’t know where this blog is going, just sort of venting to the internet I guess. That’s one thing the internet is good for. Better then venting to someone you KNOW and then having them worry all over you. This way, no one close to me needs to find out.