im overwhelmed.  im sick. im tired.  i want to si.  i havnt had an urge like this in a while.  i just want to feel something other than sick.  I was totally fine! all of a sudden this morning i had a sore throat.  now my head is stuffy.  now my nose is running.  now i fee llike im dying! oh did I mention my family is having a large party JUST FOR ME this saturday!?!?!  As if I wasnt stressed out over school, work, and just life in general ( oh ya and my weight, always weight),  I have this party.  And tahts ok.  I dont mind.  Like…i love it, I deserve this because I worked so hard towards this degree which is why I get this party.  but im sick.  i get this miserable cold right when i need to be ready.  a few days where  i need to be able to multitask and my body gives up.  its like a sign my body hates me.  it hates me for what ive done to it.  it hates me for the scars that cover me.

UGH! ok enough with that.  but I am sick and tired.  i miss si.  its been a while.  ive been good.  its been a while.  such a long while.  i just want it. I just want to get out of bed to si.  but I cant…and I wont.  Im going to sleep.  sleep seems to help.  oh god I hate myself right now.   i hate my body.  i just hate everything in general.