No luck on trying to make a difference seems like sometimes I have no motivation, I mean I really would love to reach my goal but for some reason I can’t make it there on my own……I need a little push.
My two goals are to stop doing self harm and to go back to being a “normal size”
I think one my reasons I do self harm is because of my lack of self esteem, sometimes well actually more like every time I look at my self I am in complete disgust with my own outer appearance. The main reason I do self harm is because it’s like a stress reliever for me, I know deep down that it shouldn’t be but I can’t help it, it’s addicting it really is. Today I gave in and did it…..and I didn’t see nothing wrong with me doing so but to others its wrong.
It’s slowly but surely getting imprinted in my mind that because I look the way I do, I should be making scars on me because I am now ashamed of what I’ve become… and it freaking HURTS! So why not turn that emotional pain into more of a physical pain…..
I noticed that once I started getting really depressed and started self harming I started eating more . I went from being in juniors sizes to being a 16 in woman’s clothes in about 3 years . I am now trying to loose weight and it seems that since I can’t eat certain things I feel like I need to self harm more. But instead of self harming I will go for runs and keep running till I don’t feel the need to self harm anymore. I also listen to alot of music . I am on a special diet and I stopped eating gluten and fruit because the carbs that are associated with gluten , and the sugar in fruit. I seem to be loosing weight really well. Its brutal but it works and I feel like if I am happier with the way I look all of this won’t be a struggle anymore. When I started self harm I never saw a problem with it but it hurt the people that were around me and that was what was driving me to stop. I can’t stand when I see other people hurting. Because I know what thats like to be hurting. Both physically,Mentally and Emotionally. My goal is to loose 70 more lbs to be a healthy weight. Anything that you set your mind to you can accomplish if you want it bad enough. Once I feel happier with the way I look I hope that I will just feel happier in general. Part of the many reasons that I self injured was because I was believing what people said about me, That I was fat or what ever they said and that made me more depressed and caused me to self harm. But I have stopped caring what other people thought about me because I need to be happy with me thats all that matters . I couldn’t keep living my life for that other people wanted because I would never live up to everyones standards so I just stopped trying to please everyone and noticed that I was somewhat happier knowing that I didn’t have to please anyone and I stated having the ” thats nice you can think what you want attitude” some might think its a rude one to have but I can’t keep trying to please everyone because then I feel like I have let them down and its a cycle that constantly repeats its self and I can’t be starting all over again and again.
If you ever wanna talk to someone feel free to email me.
blueyedginger717@hotmail.com
Mary
Oh man I’m sorry you’re in this place. I remember being in this place, not too long ago, and I know how easy it’d be for me to be back there. I used to hurt myself because of how much I hated how I looked. I figured well I’m ugly and disgusting already let me make myself more ugly as my punishment for being like this! I just fueled my own fire and it got worse and I felt worse and MORE ashamed at how I looked. Anyway, fast forward a year or so-nothing makes me as sad as to remember how much I hated myself and the lengths I went to to hurt myself so I could hate myself more because I really believed that’s what I deserved. I was so horrible to myself. I have found journals dedicated to hating myself. Last night my partner came into the bedroom holding a book asking me what it was and I was like idk??? She opened it and the last page I had written in was a suicide note. The things I found in that journal last night amazed ME! And I’m the one who wrote it. I wish I could give you a hug and pass on some love to be used for yourself. Since I can’t, I have to tell you that there is some light at the end of that tunnel. I wouldn’t have believed it! It started for me when I was in treatment and one of the therapist asked me how much weight I thought I should loose, then she told me for my body type what was more realistic, then she told me simply ” you know Stephanie, you can love yourself where you are right now. You don’t have to wait until you reach that goal weight…”
It sounds simple but I guess I have always had this idea that one day, when I am skinny and perfect and happy, then I will love myself. The idea never Occured to me that I could love myself how I am and along the way to the weight loss goal… Which by the way, I’ve gained weight, not lost anyway since that therapy session a long time ago and I gotta say-I respect myself and my body and I like myself and accept myself now. Now that I actually like myself, I am so much more motivated to take care of myself in all aspects of my life. I wish you lots of kind thoughts to yourself and a good night.
I agree with Steph. If you wanna talk to a non judgmental person give me a email . Or if it easier you can talk to me via phone or something….. … Also Steph is a great person to talk to .
Thank you both, means a lot honestly.
It’s good to always know that someone else has gone through a struggle just like the one I am having and to know that you both overcame it, gives me hope.
Welcome feel free to email.