I always thought i have Bipolar. I’m depressed, then get really mad and want to kill someone. Then out of no where I’ll be really hyper and outgoing, and then randomly become super depressed again. 7 years ago i started SI myself, I SIed whenever i was depressed, hyper, mad, bored, lonely, etc… I constantly had the urge to destroy myself. One day my friends saw the scars and told the school guidance counselor, who told my dad, who then told my mom. My mom was really mad and made me promise i would never do it again. She thought i did it because i was bored, or something like that.. I started to be really careful about making sure no one saw my injuries. I started to wear clothes to cover them. Eventually, i had SI in other areas. I was able to SI because no one would see them. But then summer rolled around and the scars and wounds were visible.
I was so out of control with the SI that it started to really scare me. I tried to stop SI, but it was extremely difficult, so i began to drink. My mom began to notice her alcohol was disappearing, so i tried to stop drinking. It was so hard to stop. My depression and mood swings were only getting worse and worse, but i couldn’t SI and drink, it just got worse. It wasn’t working. So i started to SI again. But this time I tried to not go crazy and not SI after every urge i got. Slowly, maturely, i was able to control my urges and only SI when i’m really depressed.
It’s been about 5 months now since I’ve SI. It is the hardest thing to do, to not harm myself when i have really strong urges. Every day i wake up feeling like i want to die. Feeling like I’m worthless, stupid, disgusting.. It’s only a matter of time until the urges to SI take over. Honestly, it’s only a matter of time until the depression takes my life.. I don’t know what to do or who will listen to me and help me. I need help, but i’m so ashamed of what I’ve become. These feelings of wanting to die will never leave me alone, they haunt me. Ughh I don’t know what to do any more.
I know when I started self injury it stated with the feeling like I just couldn’t take it anymore and then lead to the feeling of wanting to just die. I tried several times to end my life but I was always interrupted by someone or something. Then I started self injury. I always felt like I was worthless and stupid. I felt like everyone hated me. I have felt alot of feeling and have tried alot of different things. Except my parents never caught on my teacher caught on and called the guidance office and they called my parents. After certain crisis happened in my life it drove me to self harm. After my parents found out they thought that that was the end of it since they found it . What they never knew / still don’t was that was the start of the struggle. Its a constant battle a never ending one but the point is its a struggle not something that I always give into . I have been clean from addiction/ self injury/eating problems since may. But its not something that I feel like I won’t ever struggle with again. Because its a constant battle. But if our lives were all perfect what would we have to live for? Keep your chin up I know you can do it because everyone on this blog is alot strong than most people.
If you ever want to talk to someone feel free to email me
Blueyedginger717@hotmail.com
Mary
I just want to start off by saying you should not be ashamed of yourself. Don’t be ashamed of your pain and the emotions you felt/feel. Your scars mark your story; a story that can be helpful amd inspirational to others feeling the same things as you. Anyway, it may not feel like it to you yet, but you’ve already accomplished a lot by mot harming in 5 months. I know how awful it is to feel like you’re a walking timebomb. Anytime you feel ready to explode or kill somebody, try another outlet to get a release from those feelings. Even if it’s coming on here to rant or email someone.