I always thought i have Bipolar. I’m depressed, then get really mad and want to kill someone. Then out of no where I’ll be really hyper and outgoing, and then randomly become super depressed again. 7 years ago i started SI myself, I SIed whenever i was depressed, hyper, mad, bored, lonely, etc… I constantly had the urge to destroy myself. One day my friends saw the scars and told the school guidance counselor, who told my dad, who then told my mom. My mom was really mad and made me promise i would never do it again. She thought i did it because i was bored, or something like that.. I started to be really careful about making sure no one saw my injuries. I started to wear clothes to cover them. Eventually, i had SI in other areas. I was able to SI because no one would see them. But then summer rolled around and the scars and wounds were visible.
I was so out of control with the SI that it started to really scare me. I tried to stop SI, but it was extremely difficult, so i began to drink. My mom began to notice her alcohol was disappearing, so i tried to stop drinking. It was so hard to stop. My depression and mood swings were only getting worse and worse, but i couldn’t SI and drink, it just got worse. It wasn’t working. So i started to SI again. But this time I tried to not go crazy and not SI after every urge i got. Slowly, maturely, i was able to control my urges and only SI when i’m really depressed.
It’s been about 5 months now since I’ve SI. It is the hardest thing to do, to not harm myself when i have really strong urges. Every day i wake up feeling like i want to die. Feeling like I’m worthless, stupid, disgusting.. It’s only a matter of time until the urges to SI take over. Honestly, it’s only a matter of time until the depression takes my life.. I don’t know what to do or who will listen to me and help me. I need help, but i’m so ashamed of what I’ve become. These feelings of wanting to die will never leave me alone, they haunt me. Ughh I don’t know what to do any more.