So I have been thinking and every day when I come home I seem to get so much more vulnerable each day. It’s like there are emotions and stress coming from somewhere and I cant even pin my finger on it . I work alot but I just seem like lately I have not been getting better but worse today was horrible my best friend of all people she said one thing to me and it was about something stupid and all of a sudden its like someone flipped a switch because now all I can think about it self harming. But when I try to plan what I would use to do so I just start to  cry because I just feel pathetic and I cant explain that to my room mate. Because she will tell me that” its okay “and I have spent my life hearing that phrase and it doesn’t even offer a solution or help at all. She struggled with a eating disorder for a while but is 100% better now and I don’t know how to explain it to her that I feel like I am struggling really bad again with self harm. I feel like there is a part of me that wants to just get it over with to feel better. But if I do then what ? I am still struggling and no one has offered  a solution . Its like a disease that doesn’t really have a cure. Maybe it does for some people but I really cant seem to find one. I am really trying to keep busy so I don relapse but at the end of the day I make no promises that I wont any more because when I do I feel like I can never keep them when it comes to this. People tell me oh “you seem like a happy person when I see you” but I feel like I hide be hind the makeup and smiles to keep people from seeing me how I really am . All my family and everyone says “oh you look so sad”  or ” get over it ” or “you’re fine ” or ” it will get better ” but when does that actually come to fruition ? Because I am frankly tired of this.