i injured for six years, but have stopped for about eight months now. i’m afraid i’m going to relapse. i just started my first year at college, and it’s wonderful to be away from my family, which was abusive. however, i’ve already managed to make a mess of everything. i’ve been dating this guy for nearly a year and a half, and he’s helped me through everything. he convinced me to stop injuring, gave me a place to go where i can always feel safe, helped me recover from my rape, and was always supportive. he told me he would always love me and help me, no matter what happened to our relationship. we decided to try to stay together during college, and i really thought we could do it. we had something really special. however, i also have borderline personality disorder, and when that is coupled with alcohol, i sometimes lose control of myself. i was at a party about a week ago, and i ended up hooking up with someone. i wasn’t thinking. sexual activity doubles as an escape for me. however, i felt guilty and told my boyfriend. understandably, he was upset and is having a very difficult time forgiving me. today he told me he’s starting to like another girl. i tried calling him last night because i was afraid i would relapse, but he ignored me because he was with her. he says he loves me and still wants to be with me, but he’s not acting like it and i’m so confused. although this is upsetting me, the worst part is knowing that i did this to myself. i lost control. even though i had everything i wanted in a guy and i was so happy, it still wasn’t enough for me to control my impulses. i can never forgive myself for this. how am i supposed to have any hope for the future. i always thought all i needed was a support system to be ok, but apparently i’m just too messed up for even that to work. all i want to do is si to drive away the pain, but i know that will drive my boyfriend away even more and i don’t want to be addicted again. i feel so trapped. any advice?