I’m really glad I found this place.. I don’t have the friend support that I wish I could have, so I only have one person (outside of therapy) to talk to.. And he isn’t always receptive to what i have to say.
I’m at a point where I haven’t been to my therapist since the end of April because of my schedule.. I was working all summer and I lived where I worked, leaving me no choice to go to see her. I have been SI free since December (2011) and I know I’m struggling.. I haven’t been to see my therapist since I’ve been back from my job and I think I should.. But I’m too afraid to bring it back up with my mom. She doesn’t know I SI, so it’s difficult to ask for a visit to see my therapist. She thinks I’m just overstressed and I need to learn to calm down.. I don’t want to tell my mom what I have done, it would hurt me so badly I don’t think I can handle that right now (or ever).
I’m afraid of hurting my mom by asking to go see my therapist, but at the same time I think I might SI if I don’t.. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don’t know what to do.. It’s been almost 9 months and I’ve been happier not having to hide injuries and scars.. But I feel like I need them to be okay again..
I’m afraid of screwing up at school (I’m currently a third year at my university in a very vigorous health science program).. My ability to remain in the program is based solely on my academic performance. I’m a perfectionist and I know that’s not a good thing, but I feel even more pressure now that I’m back at school.
How do I ask for help when I’m afraid of the consequences of asking..? I also don’t want to screw up and SI, but it’s so so difficult to restrain myself from doing so..
I feel like I’m alone in this; I know I’m not, and it’s been almost 8 years (minus 8 months of that) that I’ve been SIing and I feel like I’m just not doing it to make my therapist and friend happy.. Am I doing something wrong that I still feel like doing this?