I SI’d for over a decade, something that countless therapy sessions, trips to the ER, and involuntary hospitalizations did nothing to curtail. That all changed 10 months ago when my 4 year old daughter asked me if, “mommy was going to get anymore owies”, I promised her that I wouldn’t and stopped immediately. It is a promise I’ll never break. I am ashamed of my scars and what they have cost me; jobs for unprofessionalism, girlfriends who can’t handle it, looks from strangers. I hate them and it’s going to take $10,000 worth of reconstructing surgery to make them better, not to get rid of them, just minimize the number and appearance. Despite all this not a day goes by where I don’t desperately want to injure. The desire stalks me and while I will never break my promise, I am so scared I might and all I want to know is if the desire will ever go away.
Touching story,
I believe that your daughter is your angle. She protects her in her own way. I have only been at this for 5 years but don’t try to cover up your scars they make you as strong as you are today. I know you probably don’t feel strong but think about it . Through all the hospital visits and through all the therapy you are getting stronger and stronger every day. Yea,I used to ry to cover up my scars because I didn’t want people that I knew to run the other direction. But as weird as this sounds I try not to cover them up anymore because the people that criticize me what exactly have they overcome ? I mean honestly think about it , when people criticize I believe that they are just trying to find someone to pick on so they look better. People that self harm lets see they have to over come the feeling in cause self injury and they have to overcome people constantly scrutinizing everything they do . The urge to self harm is always ever present with us but I know that we all in our own way are strong enough to over come this and the people / things that make us do it . I don’t know your whole story but I do know that you are strong enough . Your daughter seems to be a blessing to you and I hope that she and everyone else continues to encourage you. As always , If you need to talk to someone im here.
Hi there. Thanks for sharing some of your story. I also SI’ed for over 11 years and I haven’t done it for almost 8 months. I go to therapy regularly, I put into practice some of the coping skills I learn in therapy and things I learned rehab. I use this blog A LOT and have for years, I have a couple people I can talk to about it…and I still have urges. Often. That’s just my experience. I do see some improvement. The urges come often and sometimes they are intense but usually it doesn’t last very long anymore, sometimes it’s a passing thought, sometimes I think I will burst or die if I don’t act on it. Sometimes I’m sitting on my hands and I feel like its impossible. But more often than NOT, it comes and it goes. Where as before it was a constant intense obsession. Slowly slowly slowly it’s getting a little bit better.