I was laying in bed with my girlfriend just talking and being lazy and she said ” that was a bad one” referring to a scar. It was kind of weird, she never talks about it. It opened up the door for a conversation. So we laid there going over scars on my body. I can see how via typing this sound like an exploiting conversation between us. Or it could sound like I am proud of what I’ve done, the artist showing off her artwork. It wasn’t like that at all. It was vulnerable and calm. I think it was actually more for her than for me. One scar is from when my cat died and I said “this is from Leo.” It made her cry and I felt bad. After that we just kept talking. Sometimes I forget that my struggle with self
Injury has very much included her. She has loved me through so much. All of the times she woke up to the same wounds on my body as me and was just as surprised as me because I had done it drunk and passed out that way and didn’t remember. I forget that self injury hurts other people outside of myself too. Laying there talking about and touching my scars made me realize how much healing has taken place inside of me. It was good and sad and painful and more healing all at the same time. I think she finally doesn’t worry about leaving me home alone or doesn’t freak out when I get upset because she’s scared of what I might do. Ugh, I  was so selfish, I didn’t realize how much I was hurting her by hurting myself. I was going to hurt myself Friday afternoon. I got my tool and everything else and sat down to do it and my friend called me, right then. How crazy is that. I was so close, forgetting all the reason not to, forgetting the remorse and regret and physical pain I’d feel. I just had all these emotions and anxiety and I felt like I had to release it immediately. I rationalized it and told myself if I can’t drink and take drugs I can SI. Like “please let me have this ONE thing!”. As soon as I hung up with my friend the urge came back just as intense and I came close To letting that part of me win again but I called my therapist and we talked and played it through and put the tool away and made a plan. I hope that I can keep healing and not hurt myself in a moment of anxiety, pain, fear, or anger. I just have to do it today though and I have to remember all I’ve learned and all the people who have cared for me and loved me and who support me. I have people I can talk to and feel comfortable doing so. I would encourage anyone who is keeping it a secret to tell someone who is safe. I never could have started recovery if I didn’t start being honest. It’s hard but it’s worth the results.