I never knew that so many people dealt with self-harm. After joining this blog, I realize I’m not as alone as I thought I was. I started self-harming when I was just 13, stopped at 14, relapsed at 16 and went into treatment at 18. I’ve definitely had a long history with self injury. I relapsed on September 1, 2012. It’s a daily battle.
When I do it, I feel better. But the next day when I look at it, I feel pathetic. Everyone see’s me as such a strong person, what would they say if they saw my scars or heard around that I injure myself? I can just hear my sister laughing at me, calling me ’emo’, saying ‘well at least I don’t injure myself” when we get in arguments and she has nothing else to say. She doesn’t understand that, this isn’t a joke, it’s a serious matter. Words like that make me hurt more. I can see my dad roll his eyes saying it’s stupid. No one will ever understands how this effects me and how it will effect my future.
I’m reminded of my S.I. everyday. Every time I take a shower and change my shirt. I feel ridiculous and pathetic because that’s how society told me to feel. My society.
“When I do it, I feel better. But the next day when I look at it, I feel pathetic.” Interesting statement you’ve said for yourself. I think you speak for everyone though, or so I hope it speaks to everyone like it does to me. I remember being young and in your shoes. Seems like once we try something, and it makes things better or feel good for the moment or a few hours or the rest of the night, the next day we take a look at ourselves and think holy cow, seriously? What in the heck am I thinking? Am I really as pathetic as I look? Am I thinking at all? Then your head starts racing with all kinds of thoughts, just like the ones you mentioned, about your sister making fun of you, about your dad rolling his eyes, then you think I’ll do it again so I don’t have to face that. Hurt me, and I’ll hurt me more…but okay- on the support side of what you’re going through, as you can see you are not alone! Sometimes we actually feel as though we have valid reasons for why we do what we do. The real question is….do we? I use to think I did. I got wrapped up with the wrong people in a period of time where I was alone and had no one, or so I thought I had no one. I couldn’t talk about my thoughts and feelings to anyone without them saying “get a grip” “wake up” “you need to stop” when what I really needed was for someone to just listen…listen…listen. Listen to what I’m saying, listen to this pain going on inside of me. After this long, I don’t even know how it started, I just know it did and I can’t stop it. Nobody wanted to listen, but everybody wanted to tell. Tell me what to do that is. Our “society” as you call it, is just what it is-from an honest perspective, it’s messed up, it’s sad, it’s scary, it’s living on the edge, it’s pain free yet full of pain, in simple terms, we aren’t wired right! When you “feel” the way you do, you know it’s not right but what do we do to help it? We choose to “feel” more. Now that “feel” doesn’t go in the right direction until we make it go in the right direction. We have a choice, you have a choice, I have a choice, we all have choices every single day we live we have choices to make. Choices are just like decisions. Decisions should be black or white, but ours is shades of grey. We sit in the middle, waiting and waiting and waiting. So I guess my question for you is, what is it you are waiting for? What keeps you from seeking out the help you need for your feelings and injuries? We need to remember here, when we do what we do to ourselves, we are doing what we want to do. How badly do we want to be the opposite of who we are? Something better? Something that makes us smile inside and out, feel fulfilled, and look forward to what the day brings? Praying for you Tory… Swag38
I can totally relate . I actually just found this website after looking at TWLOHA. I was a 14 or 15 when I started SI behaviors. Started with injuring then, Drinking at night to make my self go to sleep, Then taking about too much medication so I was to high and knocked my self out. I started by wearing the darkest makeup I could so that I could hide behind something wore bracelets and jackets all the time even in the summer. Then my parents found out I will never forget that day . It’s forever into the back of my mind. My parents thought that other people had taught me this and they continued to threaten me with various things. My friend onetime made a joke and said something rude, that was when I quit hiding it from her . I am now 19 and I still struggle with it I have been clean for about 5 months or so .It’s really hard to break and my heart breaks for people that are struggling with it on a more regular basis . I almost lost several of my friends to suicided and was able to talk them out of it. As they did with me . People never realize how much their words affect other people. Its like you pretend that they don’t affect you because you don’t want to give that person the satisfaction that they actually affected you but then you go home. And the constant nagging and replay of what they said eventually get to you. When ever I injured my self I always found the best of excuses simply because I didn’t want people to worry about me . My mother thought that I was just trying to kill my self and my father thought that I learned it from someone else … Sorry I am rambling. I may not know exactly what your shoes feel like but I have a good idea. My heart goes out to you.