Every day, I move further and further along in my journey through life, and especially through recovery. However, when I look down, I am reminded simply of my past, where most of my mind seems to reside. All I see are my scars. Even though they are fading slowly, it is forever engraved into my mind. Day in and day out, I have one of my best friends treating me like a walking mental case, as if I shouldn’t be allowed to take care of myself. I just wish that someone understood how painful this is for me. Each night, I lay in bed, sobbing over the people in my life and over the nightmares that haunt me the moment my eyes shut. Earlier I went to relapse, after being S.I. free for 39 days, all because of what people were saying about me. For the past few days, I’ve had people call me horrible names, stupid, and a liar. So I began thinking, “what if they are speaking the truth?” and so, I went to injure, so that I wouldn’t forget what I am. But something stopped me ((what, I’m not sure, but I decided not to self harm)). I guess it was just the fact that I can’t keep trying to escape every ounce of pain that I encounter, because it doesn’t solve anything ((in addition, I didn’t want to hurt my best friend again)).
I want to become an adolescent psychologist who works at an in-patient mental health facility, because honestly, I want the teens in there to know that there is a life beyond self harm and addiction, and that pain isn’t permanent ((even though at times, it feels that way)). However, I am worried about my future. I’m worried about being labeled a self harmer for life and that ultimately, it will just complicate my life more so. Does anyone else, with noticeable scars, have similar feelings? like it was just lead others to pre-conceived notions about you or your past.