I have all these painful feelings I don’t I is what to do with. Not only do I not know what to do with them I do t know why they hurt 🙁
I had therapy, class, and an AA meeting today.
I want to get these feelings out of me. ASAP. A friend is being distant and different and I don’t I is if it’s my imagine or not. It could be but what if it’s not then I’ll loose my friend. Every look someone gives me, every gesture, everything! I feel like every one is out to hate me so I want to hate them all first and she can not talk to me all she ants I don’t care because I don’t need her! I don’t need anyone! In fact I’d be better off if I had no one in my life because then I’d only have myself to worry about and I could be as self detective as I want and I wouldn’t care. I could use self injury and alcohol and drugs and destroy myself the way it should be. Really I need her more than ever, my therapist, my friend, anyone who will love me probably. I need these people SO much it’s disgusting to me. I make myself sick with how much I need and love and care about people. It’s an insatiable need and I’m almost convinced no matter what “higher spirit” I fill the empty part of me with that this part of me will always be here waiting to attack and kill me. My “disease” they call it. I think the addiction is a symptom of the other though. Not that it matters, it all has to be treated and it is. There’s just this beast, this demon inside of me that is dying to come out. It’s trying to burst through and it’s so intense. Everything is too intense. Everything feels like so much that I feel nothing and everything all at once and I want to kill it all. I hate me even more sometimes because I’m a woman and I’m short and gentle and sensitive and I’m approachable and easy going and soft and when I feel like this I can’t covey how I feel because I’m short and gentle and that can’t be angry and insane and sick and mean. I don’t even hate myself anymore.
Now I can breathe and exhale some of that negativity. It just eats at me sometimes. I feel like that beast is just going to overtake me and make me it’s slave again and I will not remember healthy from unhealthy and I will not remember consequence and sober pain.
I feel almost entirely impulsive and on the verge of acting out just to let go and get it out of me but my spirit is cautioning me and it’s a battle. Every minute is painful and a choice that doesn’t feel like a choice and I hate it and I want it to stop.