I have all these painful feelings I don’t I is what to do with. Not only do I not know what to do with them I do t know why they hurt 🙁
I had therapy, class, and an AA meeting today.
I want to get these feelings out of me. ASAP. A friend is being distant and different and I don’t I is if it’s my imagine or not. It could be but what if it’s not then I’ll loose my friend. Every look someone gives me, every gesture, everything! I feel like every one is out to hate me so I want to hate them all first and she can not talk to me all she ants I don’t care because I don’t need her! I don’t need anyone! In fact I’d be better off if I had no one in my life because then I’d only have myself to worry about and I could be as self detective as I want and I wouldn’t care. I could use self injury and alcohol and drugs and destroy myself the way it should be. Really I need her more than ever, my therapist, my friend, anyone who will love me probably. I need these people SO much it’s disgusting to me. I make myself sick with how much I need and love and care about people. It’s an insatiable need and I’m almost convinced no matter what “higher spirit” I fill the empty part of me with that this part of me will always be here waiting to attack and kill me. My “disease” they call it. I think the addiction is a symptom of the other though. Not that it matters, it all has to be treated and it is. There’s just this beast, this demon inside of me that is dying to come out. It’s trying to burst through and it’s so intense. Everything is too intense. Everything feels like so much that I feel nothing and everything all at once and I want to kill it all. I hate me even more sometimes because I’m a woman and I’m short and gentle and sensitive and I’m approachable and easy going and soft and when I feel like this I can’t covey how I feel because I’m short and gentle and that can’t be angry and insane and sick and mean. I don’t even hate myself anymore.
Now I can breathe and exhale some of that negativity. It just eats at me sometimes. I feel like that beast is just going to overtake me and make me it’s slave again and I will not remember healthy from unhealthy and I will not remember consequence and sober pain.
I feel almost entirely impulsive and on the verge of acting out just to let go and get it out of me but my spirit is cautioning me and it’s a battle. Every minute is painful and a choice that doesn’t feel like a choice and I hate it and I want it to stop.
You have just laid out exactly what feel I from time to time. I know how hard it is in the moment but it passes. Hope you are able to soothe yourself some while you wait it out. Wishing you bubble baths, or walks, or yoga, or whatever works for you.
I commend you for expressing your feelings as they flowed through your mind. I can totally relate to that. Sadly for me, my mouth got me in more trouble back then than I can count. I would like you to know though, you are not the only person who feels like this, whether you go to therapy, AA, or any type of class. There are multitudes of people who think, feel, act, then react just like you. I have moments like these as well. As age progressed though, for me, I had to find a way to cope and deal with the everyday anxiety, frustration, sadness, happiness, roller coaster life I was living. I’m a loving, giving person, and perhaps I expected that back in return, but life has taught me that does not happen. One thing I had to do first was to love others first. We’ve all heard it said, you can’t love someone else until you love yourself first. Well, I wouldn’t say I “love” myself, I’m insecure about my body, think I’m being looked at badly when maybe I am or maybe I’m not, think I’m being talked about, get shy, turn red, I can’t stand a lot of things about myself. Is it maybe just all in my head? One thing I do know, is my perspective on every single aspect of life was out of whack. Now until I started addressing those aspects one by one, my perspective began to change. We’ve got to “think critically” but we don’t have to be critical! Thinking critically is going to require you to examine each of these problems, including your friends. What’s healthy and what’s not healthy for you? I’m an ex social addict in almost every realm of ugliness you can imagine, including yours yet with the exception of a few things. I tried it all to bury or make any kind of pain go away, but I also suffered from an abusive childhood that I thought was my fault, and after all these years, I’ve managed to work through these problems to find the “why’s” of each. Every day I think about it, but every day I get stronger. Now, I don’t know how old you are, but I’d like you to know there is more to life than AA, a single or a few friends, and a therapy class. What are you doing with the rest of your time? Are you getting the comfort you need when you attend your meetings, then when it’s over back in the slumps again? I had to get busy with life, and it’s what I’m going to recommend to you. For starters, I’d find a good church home. I don’t know if you youth age or older, but I’d get connected with a great Christian leader & mentor. Someone who is willing to take you by the hand & lead you through the steps. I don’t know if you’re a believer in Christ or not, if so then you know you’ve got hope. Now your faith needs building. If not, what have you got to lose? Give it a shot. I’ve mentored a few young girl teens who have been exactly where you are right this minute, and believe me it’s a work always in progress, but aren’t we all? The process in restoring a healthier you, is changing the thought process, and that’s going to require you to think critically with a positive perspective. Nobody said this would be easy, but the best part is, you don’t have to do it alone. You are in my prayers this moment, and may God place a person in your life with Godly wisdom & insight to help you fight this worldly battle! Much Love, Swag38
thank you for commenting, I’m glad someone else can relate!
@swag38, I appreciate the advice. I am in my mid twenties, and thankfully have found a few good mentors. I don’t identify as a Christian but I totally agree with you about building my faith in my higher power. The spiritual aspect of the 12 steps is what’s been different for me this go around and I really thing it’s been a big part of the reason I’ve stayed clean,sober, and SI free for the past months. The staying busy is helping. With work,school, therapy, AA, my relationship I feel pretty occupied. Not too much free time to get all caught up in my head. When I do, it’s nice to have a place like this to come to.
This is a great place to come to, to release these feelings. It’s also a great place for you to help others as well. Did you ever think that when you help others with their problems, you focus less and less on yours? Sometimes I think to myself, hey wait, what about mine? My feelings are important too! For once, okay many times, I’d just rather someone listen instead of expecting me to do what they want me to do. Sometimes we simply need an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry upon. Not a “you shouldn’t do this and you shouldn’t do that” kind of response. My past is where my experience comes from, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to give you some kind of support, whether that be talking, emailing, chatting, etc. AA is a wonderful place. It is making a commitment to complete your steps and stay sober. My friend just made this awesome wall clock with the 12 chips she received. It’s so beautiful and such an accomplishment. She says, AA is her “church.” Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for AA, but I’m also for a much stronger, much deeper, much more spiritual type of relationship with Christ. This, I can do every single day! One thing it seems you still struggle with, (and I do to every now & then), is the venting from your original post. I was abused at a young age. Didn’t say a word about it until I was 19yrs old, because at that point, I didn’t care if my mother knew or not. Instead of believing & comforting me, I got physical abuse and a “don’t you ever talk about your chachacha (we’ll just use that for a person’s name)again. I was like WOW, seriously? Of course I let loose, I lost it, you name it, I did it. Man, I was hurting. I wanted relief. I found nothing but bad things to connect myself with because I had absolutely nothing healthy to connect myself with. At this point, I was like the once contaminated always contaminated in my family. Years went by where I never said a word again. I put on my smiley face, while entertaining social drugs & alcohol till before you know it, I ended up in rehab. The same woman who didn’t believe me before, was now threatening to take away my kids, home, life, etc. if I didn’t sober up and get clean. Now for some, & many, they don’t care. But, I wasn’t willing to lose everything I worked so hard for, so I did it. 7 stupid sorry days of it, and did it help? Ehh, sorda kinda. I didn’t keep counseling appts after about a month, I was viewed as an addict, when everything for me was social. I could certainly do without. But, I was the “bad seed” so I’m always looked upon as the loser, the druggie, the junkie, the overweight one, and much more. So much that I don’t have relationships with my niece & nephew, not that I don’t want to by any means, but my past is what’s kept me from them. Now, last year my daughter (in her 20’s) moved out and I thought that was it for me. I hadn’t used or done anything in over 1.5 yrs, but when my mother came to the rescue for her, I lost it! Literally! The entire past came out and lots of words were said I regret and can’t take back. Now I was saved as a little girl, but I rededicated my life to Christ. I realized I couldn’t do this life alone anymore, I can’t control “me” or anything else around me anymore. My world is falling apart and I need a Savior! I went through some serious struggles but with the help of a wonderful woman who I can’t go a few days still without talking to, showed me how to have a real relationship with Jesus Christ, and she helped me to get through my struggles by listening and praying with me. She sent me all kinds of reading materials, prayed with me daily, read to me, just took so much time out of her life to answer my calls, she’s just a saint in my book and my best friend. So I started reading my Bible again, praying again, much like you going to AA, it is a commitment you have to make & stay with. Is it hard? Absolutely It has been the most challenging part of my life, ever, because now I am absolutely without a doubt 100% responsible for myself and the choices I make for myself, and my youngest daughter. I have to remember Who I gave my life to. I gave up smoking cigarettes last year, and I am drug/alcohol free. I’m working on getting my masters in psychology at a private christian college. Will the good I do ever supersede the bad I’ve done? I don’t know. I’m the only one in this family who’s gone this far in college. But I realize one thing and this took some time. The only actions I can control are the ones of my own, not the ones of others. I can make the decision to forgive and let go, to love others unconditionally, to not judge, to be a critical thinker, and not a single minded person who thinks everything has to go my way or no way. God alone has given us the power to make these decisions! And today again, I choose to love. So don’t let anything hold you back from choosing love. We know right from wrong, and our choices can either have a long term negative impact on our lives or positive one. I wanna finish well. How about you? Much Love Again, Swag38 PS by the way, “swag” means Saved With Amazing Grace 🙂