I don’t know where to go with this. I am maybe working up to talking to my therapist about it. It may be inappropriate here and if so that’s fine– but it’s my job to try and reach out. I am a very grown woman but I feel like such a very little girl around the subject of sex and I am coping with the emergence of abuse memories from my ex husband bc SI was helping me black it all out. I guess I’m clear that it is abuse. But I’m not really clear. Honestly, I am hoping for a response from a moderator– I need to really know. And bless my therapist but he is a man– a man I have worked with to become safe– I have safety. So, hard for me to ask and I will eventually talk to him.. blah blah. I need to know if it’s really true that if a man isn’t abusive he won’t want to have sex if you (I) don’t want to. Or- maybe partially I just need to write out how confused I am what I have lived through. I don’t know what the deal with men is– a spoke to a girl friend and she said that men don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them but I know that can’t be true bc men pay for sex all the time. And in a huge part of the world they mutilate women so I am confused. I am confused about whether a woman owes a man– but I guess I feel like I shouldn’t be and then that makes more conflict bc I want to invalidate my own confusion. Is it normal for a wife to just put up with it? -I sort of suspect it is. Though I guess it wouldn’t be that way in a therapeutic ideal. Does that ideal really exist? I am remembering bargaining to preform one sex act so I didn’t have to do a different one. But then I couldn’t hold my rage back and I injured him- but it wasn’t self defense at all- it was just collapse and I owned all the badness for that. I’m pretty sure this happened a few times and it was bad for me bc then something worse had to happen. God bless me that I made it through that. I haven’t seen that many women’s magazines but I do think they talk about the need to satisfy a man and that doesn’t sound like you really get to choose if you are in a relationship– not really.