I’m writing this on my iPod late at night because my thoughts won’t stop. I’m moving back on campus before everyone else because of a program I’m in so I move in this Saturday. Thursday I have therapy and a doctors appointment because my school wants to know if I’m medically stable to return due to my eating disorder.. Since I refuse to tell him about the self harm. I’m scarred he won’t sign me off, I’m scared that I’ll relapse with my rating disorder and self harm. I haven’t self harmed in 49 days which is the longest I’ve ever gone. I’m worried that all the stress at school will ruin my 7 weeks of SI free. See being on campus worrying about classes, dealing with an eating disorder , seeing my outpatient team which includes 6 professionals only 3 that know about both eating disorder and self harm (school therapist, off campus therapist and psychiatrist ) since my nutritionist, nurse practitioner and my doctor don’t know just being overwhelmed in scared ill act on impulse. I was in an intensive outpatient treatment program for my eating disorder and I learned coping skills but I still struggle to not act on my impulses.
I also have been thinking about my scars and how I just wish that I can be okay with them. I watched a video in YouTube that was shown to me where this girl was okay with wearing short sleev es and exposing the scars. She said that scars represent the past because they’re old and healed wounds but I don’t have that mindset. I wish I was her, to get to that point where you’re just okay with it because I don’t wear tank tips to prevent thr scars from being seen. In ashamed that I self harm and I have an eating disorder that I just want to hide it like I’ve been doing for 9/10 years and I’m 20 now in college. My family doesn’t even know so why expose it to strangers. It’s ruining my life, the scars are there and I just want to be comfortable but I’m not. Sometimes I want to expose them but I feel like I’ll be started at and judged. Hiding these scars it’s getting tiring and wearing me out because it’s basically taken over my life. To be honest I hate myself right now, I hate that I did this in 5th grade. When my friend found out when I hit 6th grade he told me ” if you don’t stop I can’t be friends with you” I stopped but not for long until I got back into the addiction. I want to be okay again.. I’m crying because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’m not good with emotions but what I am good at is hating and blaming myself or everything. These scars on my body that’s my fault and I could have prevented it, all of this could have been prevented and I wouldn’t be worrying my family about my eating disorder and my friends about both Ed and SI. I feel like I’m crashing their happiness and adding stress to their lives, I’m holding some of this in because I didn’t want to bother my friend again.
I hate the urges, the shame, the guilt and the scars … I hate myself and right now I feeling I’m not worth being cared about or listened to.
Ps this was written in my iPod, autocorrect is a pain and my iPod isn’t really allowing me to scroll up to read it over so there’s no big spelling mistakes. Sorry if it makes no sense.
Anyways it’s late and I am really tired.