Okay, I know people get scared sometimes, and it’s normal, blah, blah, blah… But is it okay for me to be afraid of my mom? I’ve been tool-free for several months now, but it’s been getting harder to keep my straight face recently. I gave up my tools thanks to my boyfriend, who helped me throw them out, but now I’ve been reduced to using other methods to get some form of release.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I can’t be happy without making myself miserable first. like I need to earn that happiness by paying for it with my sorrow. I don’t know. It doesn’t even make sense to me.
I’m so tired of being confused about what I feel. I used to be able to just injure all those confusing feelings away, but now I can’t because I want to stay strong for my boyfriend– he helped me out of that darkness, so I owe it to him to stay clean. But I can still feel myself slipping. I find myself missing that feeling of everything just going away whenever I hurt myself, and I don’t know how to make myself stop thinking about it. I’m jealous of the people I see with injuries. Why??? I can’t figure it out. For some reason, I want to be there again, to feel that physical pain again, but I don’t understand why I should want that.
I want to be able to blame myself for everything again. I want to be okay with my brokenness. Instead I get freaked out over little things because I can’t mellow out using my “old method”… It seriously feels like a drug addiction, but I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t talk to my mom about this, because I’m so afraid of how she would react. Fear? Anger? Regret? Guilt? or even worse, pity? I don’t want to find out. I just want to push her away until she can’t even see me. And I feel like I shouldn’t put this on my boyfriend’s shoulders, because he really shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s my problem, I should be able to fix it. Right? Plus, it scares him when I talk about my self-injury because one of his friends died from it, and he’s terrified that it will happen to me too. I am NOT suicidal. I just want some of these bad feelings to go away…