I don’t know if this will help me, I’ve started going to a therapist as well (been 2 times) but it hasn’t helped me, but I need to vent/blog because my boyfriend can barely take me anymore, and he’s so far away (we’re long distance) and I can’t talk to him right now. I made him a promise 10 days ago, to stop injuring, and I broke it last night. He’s still with me. He’s proud of me. Why aren’t I proud of me? 1 week? I wanted to stop forever. To be strong. I try to put a game face on for him, but it fades quickly. No matter how safe he makes me feel, whispering his sweet words on the phone, as soon as we hang up, I’m back to wanting to die again. I’m so attached, yet I push him away. It makes no sense to me. WHY IS HE STAYING? He’s the most perfect guy in the whole world. He was my best friend that I had a crush on, but we got closer and closer. We told each other secrets, including a very big one from a past relationship of mine. Little did I know, it would ruin me any time I wanted a relationship, which I never thought I would love again, but I fell for my best friend, and little did I know he did for me. I started acting scared once my best friend wanted to date me. I’m happy, but I was so scared to make him run away like my last ex. I constantly push him away, when all I want is to be close to him. He’s the best thing that came into my life, we’ve known each other 2 years, but just got really deep and close now and I really feel in love with him, a feeling I never had in my only relationship- a two year relationship even if it’s only been 3 months tomorrow with who I’m with now. I’m just so in love with him after only 3 months, but I always loved him since we first talked, I feel. I dreamed of a guy like this. I was just scared too and getting over my ex. We were just online friends, but a day in January where I wanted to give up, he was there for me. I want to go there right now. I want to be with him. I have school soon, and he has his life and is wanting to find a job. But I want to be there, even a visit, nothing else matters, I hate school. I can’t concentrate. I can’t be with him until I fix myself, because I’m so scared to go there and let him down or him coming here and the same thing. I’m terrified. I have to stay here and fix myself. I want him to meet his confident girlfriend that I wish I could be. I need to get help but the therapist isn’t helping. I rather talk to him. I don’t wanna hurt him though with how I am. I’m just so lost. I never thought 1 bad thing in my past could ruin me when I found someone perfect. I wasn’t even looking. He found me. He saved me. I want to be there for him too. I know he cares, yet I keep hurting him by hurting myself. I just want to be perfect for him. I want to be able to accept love, his love. For myself. for him. I can’t lose him. They say you have to love yourself before you love someone but I don’t know if I’ll ever love myself as much as I love this guy. He saved me. He is the only one who made me want to dream again, after my past. After I fell for him though and he started to make it real for me I started SIing, feeling undeserving. Maybe I can never have a relationship again. I love him so much. I just want the best for him. If I SI again, or don’t improve myself soon, he’s going to leave for good. And that’ll kill me. I just want to be there, held. I don’t want to put him in a dangerous situation. I don’t want to snap. I don’t know what I feel there’s so many feelings, but I’m so tempted to injure, my heart is breaking. I didn’t want to break that promise. Can I even start it again? I feel like SI-ing right now, but am holding it in so much. I just want to be confident and accept love. I want this guy to stay, in my dreams I treat him right. He’s my life. Why am I trying to throw it all away? I don’t deserve him yet he thinks he can’t find better. I don’t want him to leave but I can’t be selfish. Nothing I do is making me better, I still get these thoughts. Therapy stinks too, when he’s the only one that makes me feel better. I want to feel better, I’m tired of this 🙁
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Hold me, wrap me up
I am small
Warm me up
And breathe me.
I just want his arms around me. I want to feel safe. How can I love if I’m afraid to fall?