I cant do this anymore   I cant pretend im ok when im not.  im tired of smiling and pretending im this person im not.  i thought working out today would help.  it did  for about an hour.  now i want to si.  i just want to crawl into bed and si.  as much as i know its not the answer it feels like the only way I can feel better right now.  and its been this constant nagging feeling the last week or so.  i dont know why i get like this.  i dont remember what its like not to wake up and not think of si at one point in the day.  like si is all i constantly think of.  i think of it when i wake up, i think of it right before bed, i think about it when the slightest thing goes wrong, and i think about it when i want to slack off adn eat a big meal.  its like i cant get way from this constant need for si.  its been the last two weeks ive felt like this.  like Im not going anywhere in my life, when i know i am.  im graduating in less than two months.  Im doing great in school  im trying, i know i have the ideas and im pulling off great grades.  but why am i so stuck on this this??? its like the only way i know how to cope with anything.  i mean sure its been a reliable source for me the last couple years, its been the only constant ive had, so with everything changing in the next few months, im bound to want to stick to whats comfortable.  but still!! I dont understand this constant need.  I dont want to feel it, but at the same time, i dont know what i would do without this constant need.  this need that engulfs all my thoughts and ideas.  how i just want to be alone long enough to si where i want to.  Sad right?  I want to si so bad abut but where I choose to si too hide it doesnt do it for me anymore.  I want to get two tattoos that reminds me I dont need si.  but at the same time, i feel that getting the tattoo will defeat my whole purpose in life.  itll take away the one thing i have learned to rely on.  like I know im not perfect.  but this whole si thing is getting out of control.  well, not the si itself, the thoughts i guess.  like i sit there and day dream about how I would do it, where i would do it and how it would feel.  i bought new tools last week, i think i even made a post about it, but at the same time, i haven’t gone to use them at all.  bt then again i have a tool in my room.  i know its not smart to keep a tool so easily within reach, but at the same time, i fall asleep better knowing its there.  I DONT KNOW! i could scream right now.  I could actually physically scream.  I cant cry. I wish i could cry. but i cant.  the tears and the motion just wont come.  i dont know what ot do anymore.  i think ive lost my grip on my life.  i want to think im in control but im not.  the thoughts of si are constantly there and i think im just ready to give in.  staying strong isnt working for me right now.  every motivational song i listen to makes me think of what a failure i really am.  but then again, im nota  failure! im not doing anything wrong in my life! there is nothing physically, emotionally, or financially wrong with me!!! So idk, im just going to try to seleep this off again, but Idont know how successful ill be tonight, because on a range of 1 to 10, im at a -2 right now.  blah im sorry, i dont mean to be annoying. Ill go now.