I’ve been forgetting about self harm lately. Haven’t thought of doing it, haven’t even thought of even touching any of the tools I have. Until today. I went to the doctors today for a physical and my mom brought up about how I hurt myself. I mean, I understand because it’s the doctor. But when my mom left the room, the doctor wouldn’t let it go. I told her I was fine and that I haven’t done anything for almost two months now. The look she was giving me made me paranoid. I felt as if she was judging me. I know not everyone understands this stuff, but she flat out said, “Stop hurting yourself. I want you to stop. Now.” Honestly, I can’t just automatically stop when I’ve been doing it for three years, especially when someone who I don’t even know tells me to. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her. I’m not going to stop because she told me to. Yeah, she’s a doctor, I get she’s concerned about my health, but it irritated me so much how she wouldn’t let it go. I don’t know how many times I told her, “Counseling doesn’t help me. I can handle this on my own. I’m fine.” But the look she was giving me.. I feel as if every time I try talking to someone about it, they all give me that same look. That’s why I stopped opening up to people who don’t understand. Sure they say they do, but about 98% of the time I really don’t believe them when they tell me they do. Maybe it’s me being paranoid or maybe it’s what’s actually happening. I can’t even tell anymore. I stopped caring and totally forgot about it all, but that changed after today.
I agree with you that the doctor you went to doesn’t understand. If she did, she would know that saying “Stop hurting yourself” is not going to solve anything, and can actually make things worse. Self injury is an addiction, just like alcoholism and other substance abuse, and it should be treated as such. I went to a counselor one time who mocked me, asking me I hurt myself because it “felt good” with a smirk on his face. He certainly had no idea what he was talking about.
But don’t give up on counseling because a few people don’t understand. Trust me, it took me a while to find people to get it. I told one of my friends a few years ago about it and even to this day I have to fix her misconceptions about it. With counselors, sometimes it’s hit or miss. I’ve had four so far (not counting the guy who mocked me, i never went back to him) and I can tell you it is so worth to find someone who understands! You can say something and know that your feelings are valid. We can’t handle this on our own, I can tell you that much.
If you ever want to talk to me, I would love to email you. My email is visiblyperfectinvisiblyscarred@gmail.com