No one will probably read this..
Anyway, yesterday marked 6 months I’ve been dealing with depression..During those 6 months, I have endured loss of friends, mental breakdowns, thoughts of suicide, self-harm, family fights, fights with friends, criticism, and many other plights..
The only people I’ve told about this is the only couple of “friends” I have anymore and the people who have figured out on their own..No, I have not told any relative or parent..I know I should have, but they wouldn’t believe me or cared even if I would have told them..I did try to tell my mom in early July..She took it as a joke..
How did I end up like this? Simple – I put faith into someone, and they in return gave me living nightmare. At first, I felt an overwhelming sadness..I didn’t think it would ever turn into this..a few days went by, I wasn’t better..A week went by, still devastated..then a month went by..I knew there was something wrong at this point..I told a few close “friends” that I started self-harming..Well, that was a TERRIBLE idea..They ended up spreading it around my former school where all my former friends were..I was outraged that this was happening..I put trust in more people, thinking that at least I still had my friends..
About a month later, nothing had changed. Still the same. Rumors still spreading. The only friend I had left abandoned me. I was at the point where I was self-harming everyday, I would never leave my room. My parents didn’t notice nor did they care. Then, my teacher calls and lies to my parents, getting me or more trouble than I could imagine. This year, I decided to do online courses rather than go to conventional schooling – This has been the biggest mistake of my life. Period. In the beginning, when I signed up, I was being told that I could take my time and go as slow as I needed to. Well, I took the time I needed. Went as fast as I could while still understanding everything that I read. Then, they call up my parents while I’m not home, tell them I’m not doing my school at all, and get everything left that I actually cared taken away. I tried to explain to my parents that I was doing my school, and that they were lying. I showed them dates that I had completed assignments and they still believed that I was the one lying. They no longer trust me at all.
The next month, I thought I was getting better…I had stopped self-harming (I had gone the entire month of May without self-harming once). Then, at the very end of the month, my dad flips out on me..I don’t remember why he did it or even what I did (if anything). I remember him yelling at me, and the next thing I remember is getting pinned against a wall, with him up in my face yelling and spitting on me. About 20 minutes later, my parents leave me alone. They went to go do something, I don’t remember what; but they had left me alone at home. I was torn between anger and sadness. I felt very emotional over this and I didn’t know why. I ran into the basement, opened up a cabinet, searched through a tool box until I found a tool..Then things went down hill from there…June flew by..I now had a collection of tools..Then, one rainy morning, I packaged up all the tools I had (they had a plastic case), took them down to the old dump in our town (which is also a very deep and polluted pool of water), and flung them in..I thought that was it, that it was the last time I was going to have to deal with it..No more than 2 weeks later, I had found more. Then again about 3 weeks later, I threw them away. It was July by this time. I hadn’t thought about self-harm or suicide or anything in about 2 weeks. I think I’m finally getting better. I met this girl, who was helping me get better. She became really attached and actually cared about me. I was beginning to think it’s all finally over..Then just last Friday night, I had an emotional breakdown which resulted in injuring myself..It happened again last night, but I didn’t self-harm..
So now here I am, writing this..I’m not sure for how much longer..
I have to admit though, getting all of this written down and put in front of me has really eased my mind..