Wow the last time i wrote on S.A.F.E was about two months ago. Well i’ve been 5 weeks self harm free but the anxiety and pressure is starting to get to me.
I went to treatment for an eating disorder June11th i was in intensive outpatient which meant 3 days a week from 5-8:30 i would go to treatment. I was there for 6 weeks and i did well and then i relapsed then got back on my feet and now slipping up again.
The Wednesday before getting discharged my mom and her boyfriend were fighting and i flipped out. My therapist has this belief that it was a trigger from my past memories. She thinks i need to gradually start talking about the painful memories that has happened but i don’t think i can. On top of that stress, it feels like my family is falling apart, i have a doctors appointment in two weeks and my college needs a letter from my doctor because i need permission to go back to make sure i’m medically stable because of my eating disorder. There’s that and there’s the fact that my nutritionist warned me how if i slip up in school i’ll get a warning and if i continue to slip i will be kicked out for a year or a semester. Then i’m worried about school and now i’m scared about something.
I’m a 20 year old female who self harms has an eating disorder and now last week i found a lump type of thing and i have a doctors appointment in 2 weeks , according to the computer it’s rare for a 20 year old and could be nothing.. i’m still really scared and every time i think about every single thing that’s going on i just want to Self harm . My doctor, my nutritionist and my family they don’t know i self harm. At the same time i’ve been hiding it for so long and i can’t wear certain clothes out of fear that my old scars will show. I want to self harm is basically what i’m getting at with this whole blog right now. I can’t though i haven’t done it in 5 weeks i don’t want to ruin it. Then again i don’t know what else to do.
I’m stressed about my appointment, school, bringing bad memories up and now this new thing. I’m scared and i’m having major self esteem issues too. The urge to self harm is really hard to ignore right now, that’s why i’m writing here. My head is a mess and i’m trying to put this happy smile on.