Last night I was really on edge after no sleep the last few days and we just found a little kitten we cannot keep and we got into a big fight. I went to lay on my bed and I closed my eyes and when I opened them a few minutes later, there was a wolf spider on the ceiling above me. NO JOKE. So I started crying and freaking out and I couldn’t help it it just happened. I was really overwhelmed in that moment and no money and my car is breaking down and the shooting in Colorado and no sleep and instability and I felt like I should definitely self injure, for sure. I told myself I didn’t care what people would think about me, I didn’t care it’d be a relapse, I didn’t care about anything really except for finding relief. I made a tool, rather I tweaked it into why I wanted and I hid it in my bathroom in case I needed something. I don’t know what stopped me, that’s didn’t REALLY want to or that I have a specifi cleaning ritual for this particular tool and I don’t have time for that. I don’t think it matters really, fact is that I didn’t do it…but I should probably get rid of that tool I have hidden in my bathroom.