It’s when I get into bed when all of these thoughts and urges come up.  I feel so fake.  I hate pretending I’m this girl I’m not.  Last night I hung out with some friends and family and we were drinking.  Like I usually don’t drink, I’ve maybe drank only a few times my whole life, I’m 23 now so I don’t think that’s a lot.  But anyway I was drinking with them having a good time and I realized I’m not who they all think I am.  I. Am nowhere near who they think I am.  To them I’m this college student who is overweight, homley, loves to read, who dosent really care about a lot of things.  But the only true thing is my size and my love to read.  I don’t share any views with my family. I don’t like anything they like. My tastes in things in general don’t match up with theirs.  I want to pretend I fit in, but I don’t.  I hate being around family for long periods of time because I end up feeling more alone than I do close to them.  I either end up cleaning or cooking or baking in order to feel wanted and helpful. Idk why I don’t enjoy my family. I don’t enjoy anything anymore.  I would rather be in my room watching tv all day than doing anything else.  I just hate  being around everyone. I want to live a life for me and I feel like I’m the last person I’m living it for.  I want to be out on my own, but I know school is more important in the long run.  I know that getting a good paying job in a year is much more important than trying to go out and struggle now. But I don’t know. I’m trying to stay positive.  I’m trying to look on the bright side of things. But I really don’t know how I’m going to do that without si.  I want to si really really bad.  To feel something other than this.  Other than all of these feelings I just talked about.  I want to feel the peace that comes along with it.  I need to find something normal to release these feelings but I don’t know! I just wish I could si. My tool is in my drawer. I can easily get it. But I’m going to try to sleep this off. I hope I can.