It’s when I get into bed when all of these thoughts and urges come up. I feel so fake. I hate pretending I’m this girl I’m not. Last night I hung out with some friends and family and we were drinking. Like I usually don’t drink, I’ve maybe drank only a few times my whole life, I’m 23 now so I don’t think that’s a lot. But anyway I was drinking with them having a good time and I realized I’m not who they all think I am. I. Am nowhere near who they think I am. To them I’m this college student who is overweight, homley, loves to read, who dosent really care about a lot of things. But the only true thing is my size and my love to read. I don’t share any views with my family. I don’t like anything they like. My tastes in things in general don’t match up with theirs. I want to pretend I fit in, but I don’t. I hate being around family for long periods of time because I end up feeling more alone than I do close to them. I either end up cleaning or cooking or baking in order to feel wanted and helpful. Idk why I don’t enjoy my family. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I would rather be in my room watching tv all day than doing anything else. I just hate being around everyone. I want to live a life for me and I feel like I’m the last person I’m living it for. I want to be out on my own, but I know school is more important in the long run. I know that getting a good paying job in a year is much more important than trying to go out and struggle now. But I don’t know. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to look on the bright side of things. But I really don’t know how I’m going to do that without si. I want to si really really bad. To feel something other than this. Other than all of these feelings I just talked about. I want to feel the peace that comes along with it. I need to find something normal to release these feelings but I don’t know! I just wish I could si. My tool is in my drawer. I can easily get it. But I’m going to try to sleep this off. I hope I can.