I went out and bought new tools today…. but before I get to that…

When I woke up this morning have a horrible nights sleep I saw a picture thats on my wall that says “stay strong”  it was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes.  For some reason this made my urge to SI shoot up really high.  I spent over 30 mins just staring around my room, trying to convince myself if I got up and did a work out I wouldnt want to Si.  After texting a few people (not about SI, just in general) I got up and did my workout.  I took a slow day for myself, and the morning went well.  I got a lot of errands done that I needed to and came to work.  Work was fine, it still is, and I only have 40 more mins left, so this is all ok.  But rewind to 12:30, i was in the store and just saw the tools.  The tools just stared back at me, and before I knew it I had bought them.  While I dont think I’m going to SI tonight, I want to.  The urge is totally there.  I dont understand why I have to fight off these urges so often all of a sudden! its been a week of nothing but these strong urges!

I started a new meal plan and diet this week.  Well today, but I have been prepping since last week.  Im focusing so hard on this because there is a cash prize at the end of five weeks.  While i think its great, I think it might be the reason im struggling.  I feel like Im going to try really really hard, and not get any results.  I feel like its going to be like the last time I tried to lose weight.  Im going to go really hard, and then give up.  I dont want to give up.  I dont want to be that slacker who gives up! But at the same time thats who ive always been.  I was laying awake last night thinking of how I could SI and be able to “reward” myself for getting through a day. WHO DOES THAT?!  I feel stupid, crazy, and scared for even having these thoughts.  Like SI is my reward for getting and being healthy.  I feel sick. I feel tired. I feel like I should just give up.  Like, I cant stick to anything.  SI has been the only constant in my life since i was 14.  For nine years, I have had one thing be a constant thought, want, and need.   Theres a side of me who wants to give up on it, just like everything else I give up on.  At the same time I think, why? Its the only thing that keeps me together at the end of the day.  Not keeping exact track of the last time I SI-ed helps me a little stress on how many days I am SI free.   I want to be happy.  I try to be. I pretend to be actually.  I cant remember the last time I was legitimately happy.   I think the last time I could very well say I was happy was, wow, ok well I cant pin point that, but its been a while.  I wish I could tell someone I felt like this.  I dont think I’m sick, and being a psychology major I tend to over analyze everything. So I dont want to say I have depression, or anything else without actually talking to a doctor.  But last week when I saw my doctor when I was sick, there was a questionnaire asking about depression.  I wanted to fill it out, but I got nervous and scared.  I dont know why.  I know its confidential, but I just couldnt.

Then I think about all this and think to myself, well am I not really depressed? Am I just moody? Do I only SI to “belong”? But then, what do I want to belong to? No one close to me SI’s.  I dont tell anyone when I SI (not even here sometimes).  Like I get that sometimes its for attention, but the only attention I seek is for my own mental relief more often than not.  So Im not sure.

Me plus diets and food dont go well together.  I cant handle the stress of failure.  I dont know what Im going to do if I fail at this.  I really dont.  I just want it to be cold again.  I feel so much more secure in the winter time. I dont know why exactly.  I feel summer isnt for me.  Not because I SI more or anything like that.  Idk.  Im going to stop before I get more annoying.  Three days in a row, wow, I need to get a handle on this soon.