I went out and bought new tools today…. but before I get to that…
When I woke up this morning have a horrible nights sleep I saw a picture thats on my wall that says “stay strong” it was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. For some reason this made my urge to SI shoot up really high. I spent over 30 mins just staring around my room, trying to convince myself if I got up and did a work out I wouldnt want to Si. After texting a few people (not about SI, just in general) I got up and did my workout. I took a slow day for myself, and the morning went well. I got a lot of errands done that I needed to and came to work. Work was fine, it still is, and I only have 40 more mins left, so this is all ok. But rewind to 12:30, i was in the store and just saw the tools. The tools just stared back at me, and before I knew it I had bought them. While I dont think I’m going to SI tonight, I want to. The urge is totally there. I dont understand why I have to fight off these urges so often all of a sudden! its been a week of nothing but these strong urges!
I started a new meal plan and diet this week. Well today, but I have been prepping since last week. Im focusing so hard on this because there is a cash prize at the end of five weeks. While i think its great, I think it might be the reason im struggling. I feel like Im going to try really really hard, and not get any results. I feel like its going to be like the last time I tried to lose weight. Im going to go really hard, and then give up. I dont want to give up. I dont want to be that slacker who gives up! But at the same time thats who ive always been. I was laying awake last night thinking of how I could SI and be able to “reward” myself for getting through a day. WHO DOES THAT?! I feel stupid, crazy, and scared for even having these thoughts. Like SI is my reward for getting and being healthy. I feel sick. I feel tired. I feel like I should just give up. Like, I cant stick to anything. SI has been the only constant in my life since i was 14. For nine years, I have had one thing be a constant thought, want, and need. Theres a side of me who wants to give up on it, just like everything else I give up on. At the same time I think, why? Its the only thing that keeps me together at the end of the day. Not keeping exact track of the last time I SI-ed helps me a little stress on how many days I am SI free. I want to be happy. I try to be. I pretend to be actually. I cant remember the last time I was legitimately happy. I think the last time I could very well say I was happy was, wow, ok well I cant pin point that, but its been a while. I wish I could tell someone I felt like this. I dont think I’m sick, and being a psychology major I tend to over analyze everything. So I dont want to say I have depression, or anything else without actually talking to a doctor. But last week when I saw my doctor when I was sick, there was a questionnaire asking about depression. I wanted to fill it out, but I got nervous and scared. I dont know why. I know its confidential, but I just couldnt.
Then I think about all this and think to myself, well am I not really depressed? Am I just moody? Do I only SI to “belong”? But then, what do I want to belong to? No one close to me SI’s. I dont tell anyone when I SI (not even here sometimes). Like I get that sometimes its for attention, but the only attention I seek is for my own mental relief more often than not. So Im not sure.
Me plus diets and food dont go well together. I cant handle the stress of failure. I dont know what Im going to do if I fail at this. I really dont. I just want it to be cold again. I feel so much more secure in the winter time. I dont know why exactly. I feel summer isnt for me. Not because I SI more or anything like that. Idk. Im going to stop before I get more annoying. Three days in a row, wow, I need to get a handle on this soon.