I did something real stupid. One of the boundaries I have for myself is to not watch the news obsessively, especially when tragedy hits. I came across something about the shooting that happened in Colorado and instead of passing it I read it… I have spent the last two hours reading and researching and reading play by play what happened at Columbine. WHY??! I can’t feel anything now! I want to self harm to bring me back. I’m not… I’m blogging instead and tying to remind myself this will pass. It’s like being desensitized to it right now so much that I can’t feel anything and nothing feels real except for when I walked in the kitchen and I think I’m being watched, and I keep thinking the vacuum cleaner is a person in my peripheral vision to my right. Anxiety am I really having a hard time breathing or is it just in my head, is my stomach upset or it’s just in my head, are my ears ringing do I really feel dizzy is my throat closing up. I know it’s not real right now. But im so scared of every noise and what I think I hear or see but I’m pretty sure it’s my imagination. I shouldn’t have watched and read all of those things. I’m scared to go to sleep. I’m scared to stay awake. I tell myself most morning how relieved I am I didn’t drink or hurt myself the night before when I REALLY wanted to. I should probably trust that.