I hate myself.

It took me like an entire minute of just staring at my screen because I am so overwhelmed but I don’t know what to say right now…

I want to cry. I want to scream. And I want to self injure. So badly. When the urge is bad I get like a weird numb sensation in my hands…idk if that makes any sense but I do. It’s like a magnetic pull that I feel.

See…I’ve always been the “good Christian girl.” And I still am, but I’m not like a prude or anything. I am 19 and I’m a virgin, never gotten drunk, never done drugs. So I hung out with an old friend who has done all that stuff and more today, along with  my sister who is 16 and her friend. We went and smoked hookah…which is for 18 year olds apparently but they didn’t check ID. I was feeling a little bit guilty for bringing my sister but it was fine.

But then on the ride back my sister and her friend got a little too friendly in the back seat. They aren’t dating but I turned and saw his hand down her shirt in the dark. I FREAKED OUT. I cursed and asked him what he was doing and got really angry. I even threw his food at him and it fell on the floor. Yeah, I was a jerk. But I just felt so awful that I’m not a better sister. I’m horrible! I brought her to do something illegal and then I let some guy mess with her. I am a horrible influence and I just hate myself so much.

I just feel so awful right now. Like i don’t even care that I’m almost 5 months SI free and that it’s the longest I’ve ever gone…I really don’t.

Sometimes I forget why I stopped injuring…it made me feel like I had purpose and something to turn to when I feel…well, like this. I let my sister down. I hate myself.